“You making more nerd notes?”

Weird fact: I became a fan of the webcomic Homestuck within three days of becoming aware of Rebecca Sugar. 

On Friday, October 8th, 2010, my best friend finally convinced me to read MS Paint Adventures, and I went in hard to catch all the way up over the weekend; for reference to those who’ve read it, Hivebent had recently ended so said friend needed someone to talk to about it. I never got into the fandom, instead pretty much exclusively geeking out and theorizing with my bud, but I did leave the slightest of marks by being responsible for Sollux Captor’s canonical full name, Solluxander, so that’s nice.

I know the exact day because It Came From the Nightosphere premiered the Monday after that weekend, and a little research shows that was October 11th, 2010. I vividly remember watching it and realizing how lucky I was to be a huge nerd in a world where Homestuck and Adventure Time were both a thing. And I remember just as vividly watching the opening credits and thinking “there is no way this children’s show animator is actually named Sugar.”

Memory lane aside, I recently finished rereading Homestuck for the first time since it finished in 2016, and as a cooldown from a solid month of inundating myself in its lore (and because I wanted to goof around rather than sit down and write a review this week what with American Thanksgiving travel) I decided to bestow Sburbian classes and aspects to the cast of Steven Universe. With the bonus challenge of not repeating any class or aspect for the twelve chosen characters. Surprise, the guy who writes weekly reviews of a cartoon is kind of a dork.

There are gonna be spoilers for Steven Universe and Homestuck here (the former a bit more than the latter). If you’re not into Homestuck this likely won’t do much for you, and if you’re into Homestuck but not into Steven Universe this is equally unlikely to do much for you, but if you’re into both, hoo boy.

Because I don’t half-ass it when I go full nerd, I’m including a reference for my interpretation of what each class does (because there’s no canonical definition for most classes). Aspects are defined here. If you’ve never read Homestuck, it’s incredibly dense and over 8000 pages long but is one of the best things I’ve ever read, and I’m literally a librarian. If you’ve never watched Steven Universe and wandered over here because of tags or something, give it a watch, because it’s one of the best things I’ve ever watched and I literally work in children’s media. Either way, we’ll be back with regular reviews next week!

Steven: The Heir of Blood

Steven could be defined by any number of aspects: the do-gooder
conviction of Hope, the healing nature of Life, the free spirit of Breath, the identity
introspection of Heart, all of these could work. But more than anything else,
Steven is defined by his ability to bring people together. He values being part
of a team and sees virtually everyone as a potential friend. When he sees fighting,
he’s the first to try and resolve it, and gets frustrated when he’s unable to
do anything to help. His powers come from his emotions, but his emotions come
from his ties to his family and community. He’s a child of two worlds and gains strength from his bonds to both.

It’s tempting to classify our growing hero as a Page, but
his innate magnetism and series-wide ability to help people makes him far more
fitting as an Heir; it takes a while for certain powers to develop, but his
empathy isn’t one of them. Steven is the literal heir of two legacies—a
mystical Gem warrior and a mundane human musician—and by simply existing he
embodies unity. He’s a natural leader despite not being sure of himself,
inspiring others to act by sheer force of personality.

Rose Quartz: The Thief of Breath

Rose’s connection with Steven makes their opposing aspects
fascinating. Breath is the aspect of freedom and flexibility, and is often associated
with leaders in the same way Blood is. However, Breath players are more
whimsical and individualistic compared to the group-focused nature of Blood, leading
incidentally and prioritizing freedom to a degree that, if left unchecked, can
lead to selfishness.

As a Thief, Rose initially lacks her aspect, and indeed feels
overwhelmed by the bonds of her duty as Pink Diamond. She has to “steal”
freedom by taking another identity; while she also takes freedom for others, a
sign of the more passive Rogue class, this sharing is a byproduct of her
initial goal to help herself. Rose’s nuanced fulfillment on her role can be
seen in a nutshell in her relationship with Pearl: for better and worse, she
takes Pearl’s Breath away. Pearl gains the benefits of Pink’s freedom from Gem society but remains bound to Rose for millennia, and has her freedom to speak of certain
secrets stolen even after Rose’s death. Rose is neither a saint nor a monster, but an
unready leader who got in over her head at the prospect of living free.

Greg: The Bard of Void

Greg may be a musician, but his Bard classification comes more
from being the ultimate wildcard to Gem society. Nobody would have
expected a human to change the course of Gem history so quickly and thoroughly,
and these hidden depths are a staple of both Bards and Void players. Greg
represents an enticing unknown, especially to Rose, and as such invites Void to
destroy the Gems’ longstanding status quo. He also invites the destruction of Void
by prompting Steven’s existence, which subsequently unravels Rose’s many
secrets. Even Greg himself is likely unaware of his immense influence, which is
the perfect attitude for such a passive Void player.

Ruby: The Rogue of Time

Ruby is impulsive and unable to let sleeping
dogs lie, and will fight fate itself to do what she thinks is right: in short,
a typical Time player, down to her association with fire. As a Rogue, she can
change the future not only for herself, but for Sapphire (and by extension, the
Crystal Gems as a whole), stealing the certainty of Time to give her team the confidence to change the future.
She shares a Rogue’s tendency to put others so highly above herself that it
harms her self-image, and needs friends and loved ones that reassure her of her
worth.

Sapphire: The Seer of Mind

Sapphire’s role may seem obvious, even boring:
of course she’s a Seer, she’s literally a seer, and her ability to vividly
predict the logical outcomes of events makes her a shoo-in for a player of
Mind. But I’d say the ease at which her role is predicted is perfect for a
character defined by seeing things coming. She’s worth comparing to Terezi Pyrope, Homestuck’s Seer of Mind (and the only canon class getting repped on this list) to see how individuals
can vary even with the same role. Terezi is manipulative and, well, trolly, but
despite her ability to play several steps ahead she’s wracked with regret and indecision as her powers develop. Sapphire is passive and distant, and a far more confident
prophet, to the point where she can get too sure of one future to see
other possibilities. Both have people problems, but Terezi leans meaner and Sapphire leans icier.

Garnet: The Seer of Time

I think it makes sense for close cross-Gem fusions to combine the classes and aspects from the beings that create them, so Garnet takes her class from Sapphire and her aspect from Ruby.

Garnet is the perfect blend of Ruby and Sapphire, and as a Seer
of Time can foresee a vast expanse of timelines with ease, knowing all the while how easily they can be changed. As a Seer, she uses
this knowledge primarily to help and lead others, but as a Time player, she’s particularly active and is more than capable of getting her gauntlets dirty.
Her mastery of Time lets her play out many scenarios and attempt to pick the
best outcome, and gives the illusion of lightning-fast reflexes; this isn’t to
say her reflexes aren’t good on their own, but it’s easy to react to something
you know is coming. As with any Seer, her vision isn’t absolute, but her
future-oriented aspect combines with her predictive class to make her a potent prognosticator.

Amethyst: The Witch of Heart

More than any other Crystal Gem, Amethyst is obsessed with
herself. This isn’t simply to say she’s selfish (although certainly she can
be), but that she feels a pressing need to define herself to herself and to
others. She was created to be a warrior, but has a body far smaller and weaker
than average and must overcome the angst caused by this difference between who she
allegedly should be and who she is. She also straddles the line between alien
and earthling, as someone with an extraterrestrial background who has always called Earth home: she’s far more comfortable engaging with human customs than Garnet or Pearl, while simultaneously being more comfortable using her Gem powers just to goof
off. While her focus on her own issues can make her blind to the needs of
others at worst, at best it helps her empathize with her friends and strive to
help them with their own self-image problems. This level of introspection is what you would expect from a Heart
player.

As a Witch, Amethyst has continually shown her aptitude for manipulating
Heart, most obviously in her affinity for shapeshifting. While it’s often used
as a way to avoid introspection, rebelling against her aspect, Amethyst’s fluid
form is also a way to expand the notion of what “herself” even is. She displays a Witch’s signature loopiness and creative approach to problems, often presenting unusual solutions to help her friends understand themselves more clearly. By coming to terms with who she is and what her limits are, she learns to bypass these limits with workarounds. 

Pearl: The Knight of Light

Sapphire and Garnet may foretell the future,
and Peridot may have a knack for logic and machines, but Pearl is the most
intellectual Crystal Gem. She seeks and absorbs information like a sponge and
combines it with millennia of experience to tremendous tactical effect. She’s
frustrated by secrets, and is devastated when deceived by those she trusts and
loves (not that this stops her from the occasional bout of deception, nobody’s
perfect). Her affinity for facts doesn’t make her an unfeeling machine of
logic; far from it, she’s defined by particularly intense emotions, both
positive and negative. She is, like almost any Light player, a nerd: she
passionately and sometimes obsessively longs to know everything about her
interests, and wants to make sure everyone else knows it.

As a Knight, Pearl quickly reorients her servile caste to become
a fierce protector. From the start her service was marked by knowledge, and she
protected Pink Diamond with fresh ideas and fast thinking. She gained combat
prowess not through instinct, but education, and as such is an expert in weapons
beyond her signature spear. It’s an understatement to simply call her
self-sacrificial, as she often puts the safety of her loved ones at such a high
priority that she needs to be reminded of her own value. As is common to
Knights, her loud confidence in her mastery of her aspect (in this case, her
intellect) hides secret insecurity over her worthiness to wield it, and her
growth requires her to balance these two extremes.

Connie: The Mage of Hope

Connie is defined by high intelligence and
strong convictions, which is an ideal combination for an effective Hope player.
While she’s a regular human, her love of fantasy stories became real not only
through her friendship with Steven, but her own hard work; nowadays, she’s the
most magical pure human alive. Her intense power of belief makes amazing things
possible, and even without fusing she’s able to hold her own against much
stronger opponents than anyone could have expected. She has a firm sense of
what’s right, and isn’t afraid to call out Steven, her mother, or even herself
when she feels that a wrong has been committed

As a Mage, Connie began as a loner, focusing
on her aspect by reading and dreaming. As soon as she gets the chance she
applies herself to join Steven’s magical world, fighting alongside him even
without training when the ocean is stolen and soon becoming a swordswoman to
live her dream. She welcomes new opportunities such as fusion without
hesitation, following her instinctive understanding of Hope. While she’s more
of a team player than a typical Mage, she has her class’s signature independent
streak (see again: calling out Steven) and is known to get lost in her thoughts.
Her fantasy life may come from her connections to others, but her
thoughtfulness and strong convictions come from within and have guided her
every step of the way.

Stevonnie: The Mage of Blood

If a Mage is a player who uses deep understanding of their aspect to direct their own actions, and Blood is the aspect of creating strong bonds, then combining the two makes a player personally guided by their understanding of unity. Stevonnie embodies the bond of two people in a deeply individual and unique way, which may define fusions as a whole, but particularly works for the fusion of a human and a Gem. As Stevonnie, Steven and Connie have each other, and are empowered by their tight bond, but nobody else truly understands their experience. They’re alone together.

Peridot: The Page of Space

Peridot is a creator. She’s a Kindergartener responsible for
making new Gems, which alone aligns her with the core duties of a Hero of
Space. However, she’s also a whiz at constructing machines, dabbles in art meepmorps, and grows plants with her literal green thumb. Like most Space
players, she gathers knowledge from beyond the stars to gain an information
advantage over other players, but her slow-burning class and natural
irritability inhibits her from sharing this data with her team in a meaningful
way for quite a while.

As a Page, Peridot’s journey towards self-realization is long
and slow, and requires the help of others to guide her path. She initially
shows no signs of individuality, following orders like a worker bee for
Homeworld; she’s a cog in the machine, rather than a true maker, Only when she
joins the Crystal Gems does she gradually come into her own, with her
creativity evolving from practical machines to artistic representation to
organic life. While initially appearing to have no traditional powers, she
discovers through the intervention of others that she can manipulate certain
objects in space, but even this process is slow and takes work. If she ever meets
her full potential, Peridot’s abilities will be a sight to see.

Lapis Lazuli: The Maid of Doom

Doom is the aspect of sufferers, so…yeah, that’s Lapis. Captured
under false premises, interrogated for information she didn’t have, broken and
left behind on a foreign planet, and trapped for thousands of years, only to
find a scary and unfamiliar world when she was finally released. Not much else
to say, this is a blatant case of Doom.

While her physical strength is around average for a Gem, Lapis’s
total mastery of water makes her perhaps the most powerful being on Earth, and
she’s shown a willingness to use it to bestow Doom in a manner befitting a Maid
(and, like we’ve seen in other Maids, learns this skill after withstanding
major ordeals). Whether it’s stealing the ocean away, fusing with Jasper to form
a terrifying monster, or abandoning her friends when the going gets rough,
Lapis actively causes suffering. This direct application of her aspect makes it
difficult for the empathy typical of a Doom player to shine, but that doesn’t
mean it isn’t there: she forms a tight connection with Steven for befriending
her, and with Peridot for their mutual situation as Homeworld fugitives.

Bismuth: The Sylph of Rage

Bismuth is a rebel among rebels. Her loyalty
is to truth and freedom from oppressive institutions, and she has little room
for anything short of absolute devotion to this cause. These are the tenets of
a classic Rage player, willing to tear everything down to make a better world,
even if that means fighting against your own leaders upon sensing insincerity
or lack of conviction. She’s a stubborn revolutionary, but that doesn’t mean
she’s incapable of friendship or some nuance, as her team-oriented class
mitigates her one-track aspect.

As a Sylph, Bismuth encourages the development
of Rage in others. She pushes her friends to join her rebellious mindset and
topple oppression wherever it rears its head. She does this not only with
rousing speeches but the creation and refining of weaponry for her allies in
hopes of furthering the cause. A more individualistic class might lead to an even more
extreme revolutionary who’s fine working solo, so fortunately Bismuth’s
alignment keeps her from getting too absolutist in her zeal.

Jasper: The Prince of Life

(Princess if you wanna get
technical and bisyllabic)

Jasper was fighting from the moment she was born, hell-bent on
defeating those that would prevent the continuation of Life for Gems. However,
this meant her goal was destroying Life for organics, as the nature of Gem
reproduction meant it was impossible for both to continue on Earth. Life as a
game construct also relates to “the betterment of themselves and those around
them,” which Jasper certainly lives by, but she’s also willing to destroy
herself and those around her through toxic fusion. She thus fulfills both
interpretations of a Prince player, using Life to destroy as well as destroying
Life. Through her destruction of Life qualities, Jasper superficially resembles
a Doom player in the same way a Prince of Heart might resemble a Mind player: Jasper
makes everyone, herself included, suffer. This is perhaps what draws her to
Lapis, herself a clear-cut Doom player.

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As a bonus for folks I don’t wanna do full write-ups for and/or am not as sure about, I’d say Yellow Diamond is a Prince of Mind, Blue Diamond is a Sylph of Heart, Lars is a Page of Life, Sadie is a Page of Heart, and Ronaldo is another Mage of Hope (who is really bad at the game).