Episode 33: Garnet’s Universe

“Tiny hands. My
only weakness.”

As a leader, Garnet did not learn
from the best. She learned from Rose Quartz, and Rose Quartz loved keeping
secrets.

Garnet’s mysteriousness is her
defining characteristic in the first season, masking her greatest strength: understanding.
Time and again we see her capacity for understanding (e.g. Serious Steven, Alone
Together)
and her appreciation for open minds (e.g. The
Answer, Log Date 7 15 2). Her aloof demeanor may seem counter to this, but beyond
its mimicry of her fallen leader, I see it as a defense mechanism: she doesn’t
let Steven understand her because she doesn’t understand him (more on that in The Test).
I mentioned in my post on Tiger Millionaire just
how small of a blip Steven’s existence is in Amethyst’s long life, and Garnet’s
even older; what we see as the status quo is still a brand new development for a
leader who’s been a follower for millennia, and like Steven, she’s got some
growing to do.

Garnet’s Universe is an adorable episode visually (thanks to the help of guest artist Eusong Lee) and is an awesome showcase for the voice cast, but it doesn’t seem all that notable to
the overall series until you realize (or interpret) that it kicks off Garnet’s arc
in Season 1B: getting Steven to understand her. Steven’s story may be
whimsical, but advertently or not, he reveals how he sees her. The mere concept of his needing to fill in the blanks highlights how little he knows about her, but it’s even more telling that Garnet’s greatest struggle, in Steven’s mind, is that she isn’t Strong enough to open up to him—her use of the S word conspicuously echoing what he heard from Pearl in Coach
Steven.

Now, because Steven’s a kid,
another major theme is jumping animal sidekicks. This is above all else a fun
episode, exposing way more inner thoughts than his opinions of Garnet’s secrecy.
Turns out he’s probably played Chrono Trigger and read Usagi Yojimbo, given the
designs of Hopper and Hoppy (or is it Hoppy and Hopper?), and Ringo’s villainy
shows that Steven might still be a little upset about Ronaldo tying him to a
chair. The unnamed fox is big and mean, but secretly heroic: as voiced by
Matthew Moy, it’s not hard to see traces of how Steven sees Lars.

Moy’s great, and while Zachary
Steel just does his Ronaldo voice for Ringo (which, again, I find pretty
annoying), it fits both characters well. Michaela Dietz and Deedee Magno Hall swap
roles, with Dietz voicing the serious rabbit and Magno Hall the enthusiastic
frog. Amethyst and Pearl are deep enough characters that their actors have
tapped into these emotions before—Amethyst can get dour and Pearl can nerd out—but
Hoppy and Hopper are something entirely new, and are portrayed as such. (They
also use “hop” the way Smurfs use their species name, which is just tops.)
Zach Callison caps the story by narrating in his actual speaking voice,
reverting to Steven Mode when we get back to reality, and the contrast proves
once again how talented our lead is.

Still, the star here is Estelle.
After so many episodes in the sidelines, quiet even when she’s focused on, this
is the first time Garnet’s spoken for an extended period of time. We know
Estelle can lay down the law, crack jokes, and show affection, but we’ve never seen her sustain it for a whole episode. We’ll get more performances like this as
Garnet gets more open around Steven, and thank goodness for that, because
Estelle’s stupidly gorgeous voice is backed by serious acting chops. Even before the
fantasy that thrusts her in the lead, there’s just something special about how
much love she conveys while playing with Steven.

The art style of the fantasy is
cute without being cutesy, acknowledging the simplistic point of view of a
child character without condescension. Movement is choppy, evoking early video
game sprites, and the admittedly loose physics of Gems is exaggerated to even
more cartoonish levels; Garnet’s a heck of a shapeshifter when she wants to be,
but I doubt her hair is Lego-style removable. Her character model at all times
resembles the semi-chibi appearance that Steven
Universe characters take from afar: at the risk of over-analyzing an episode
where the villain gains the power to transform objects into onion rings, I take
this as another sign that Steven sees her as distant.

This style is enhanced by Aivi
and Surasshu’s especially chippy score and the simplistic quest plot format.
Honestly, from the atmosphere (a wild forest lost in time, with an ancient
temple the only sign of civilization) to the animal companions to the
single-minded mission to the cartoonish goofiness to the language games and
nerdy references, Garnet’s Universe
actually feels a lot like old-school Adventure
Time (despite neither storyboarder having worked on that show).

Garnet’s Universe is a straight-up shounen episode, where her goals are directly linked with getting strong in the physical way.

There are still small subversions (such as Garnet not being a boy hero and the melding of typical shounen “strong” and Steven Universe’s “strong”), but there’s a reason it takes so many cues from Dragon Ball Z: Steven’s idea of an adventure is shaped by the media kids are exposed to, and kids are exposed to a lot of shows and games where characters develop by fighting, losing, training, and trying again.

That, more than the art or the new characters, is why this episode feels so different yet so familiar. Steven Universe revels in presenting a different story about growing up around magic than what we’re usually given, and here, even though her emotions matter (which is hardly to say that emotions aren’t a centerpiece of shounen and its kin), everything’s settled in a fight. No twists, no attempts to make friends, just two enemies punching each other with increasingly powerful fists. (More thematic stretching: Ringo’s the opposite of Garnet because giant hands are his only weakness.)

It’s only when we return to reality where the ending gets its standard wrinkle, and Garnet confirms that Steven’s version of events obviously didn’t occur. Shounen adventures are fun, but Steven’s Universe can always add just a little bit more.

Future Vision!

Garnet’s ability to grow massive fists turns out to have some basis in truth, as we’ll see in Warp Tour.

On a meta level, this is the episode that gives us the phrase “Steven Bomb.”

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

I’ll be the first to admit that I probably over-think this one, but that’s just because I have so much fun watching it. Even if nothing I said about its depth is intentional, I just plum enjoy how goofy and fun it is; I love seeing into the headspace of a character, and despite starring “Garnet,” this is actually a premier Steven episode.

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Mirror Gem
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Ocean Gem

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team

No Thanks!

3. Fusion Cuisine
2. House Guest
1. Island Adventure

Episode 32: Fusion Cuisine

“Why did Connie have to say I
have one mother instead of zero? Or three?”

On paper, Fusion Cuisine has everything you’d want
from a top tier episode. We get a new fusion, time with Connie and Greg, and a moral about queer and
blended families. In execution…well, if you’re as tired of poor reviews during this stretch of the show as I am, you might wanna skip this one.

Despite being
informed by past episodes (such as fusion as a function and the healing of
Connie’s eyes) and influencing future episodes (Steven’s grounding here has
lasting consequences through Season 2), Fusion Cuisine takes House Guest-like
liberties to advance its plot, at the expense of its characters. The biggest
victim is Connie, who’s occasionally been a little cold, but is just
plain mean here. The plot hinges on
her expecting Steven to cover for her hurtful lie without offering any help,
and she chews his head off when he acts the way he always acts; her harsh
dismissal of his concerns that she’s ashamed of him is just the icing on the
cake.

The intent, I’m
sure, is to show how strict her parents are and how that affects her, but
there’s zero indication in any episode, including this one, that Dr. and Mr.
Maheswaran would look down on Steven for having a single father. Moreover, if
she fears that her parents won’t approve of her having a magical friend, why
wouldn’t she focus on Greg, Steven’s only non-magical parental figure?

The assumed
answer is that she’s a stressed kid who didn’t think things through, which
makes total sense. But it’s on the show to present parents that dislike unusual things to warrant her fears, and yeah, they adjust pretty darn fast
to the alien behemoth eating dinner with them. The Maheswarans are stern, but
it’s always about manners: we only see them get upset about Alexandrite and the
Universes arriving twenty minutes late, Connie banging her head on the table,

Alexandrite

eating sloppily, and

Alexandrite

insulting Dr. Maheswaran’s profession. These are reasonable things to be miffed about, and it’s all the strictness we get from them; heck, they were
even fine with Connie hanging out with a kid/family they’d never met, only
getting concerned when told the kids were playing swords (sorry, with swords).

The Maheswarans
aren’t the Dursleys, and they sort of need to be for Connie’s logic, even in
panic mode, to hold water. Would a kid assume that parents who expect straight
A’s are homophobic? That overprotective parents are anti-miscegenation? There’s
a fantastic moral in here, truer today than ever, about kids worrying their
parents won’t accept their friends or friends’ families for being different.
But I feel like it only works if the parents actually indicate unease about
different people, and the Maheswarans don’t.

The moral also
suffers from Connie’s family being the only nuclear family we’ve seen on the
show at this point. One of the fascinating things about Steven Universe pre-Lion 3 is that none of Beach City’s
youths has a visible mother: the Frymans, the Pizzas, and Buck seem to be raised
by single fathers (give or take a Gunga), while Onion, Sour Cream, Sadie, and
Lars have moms that are introduced later in the show. Even when we meet the stragglers,
it turns out Sour Cream and Onion are in a blended family and Sadie’s father is
AWOL. These family structures aren’t set in stone (see: Vidalia revealing that
Yellowtail isn’t a single father) but as of now the only two-parent non-blended
households we’ve seen are Connie’s and, unless there’s a step-parent in there, Lars’s.

Steven Universe shows
such a variety of families that Connie’s normalization of nuclear families,
in-universe, rings a bit false. Steven has never been made to feel like an outsider specifically for his missing mom or triple-guardian home, so it gives the impression that Connie’s the one with the problem. And that would be fine if Fusion Cuisine called her out on it, but
it never does. She barely even apologizes for lying in the first place.

I’m not against
Connie making mistakes; if she didn’t, she wouldn’t just be boring, but we wouldn’t have Love Letters or Sworn to the Sword or Beach City Drift or Gem Hunt or Mindful Education (or, arguably, Winter Forecast or Nightmare Hospital or Crack the Whip), and I love most of those episodes! And her lie about Steven’s parents was likely told
well before they became too close, when she was still new at the whole “having
friends” thing. And arguments can be made that the best way to show her
parents’ influence was to throw her off this completely, that her out-of-character moment is supposed
to be out of character. I honestly imagine many readers disagree with how hard I am on her about this one.

But then I see
her decision to run away with Steven, and I can’t help but wish this is the
sort of reaction she showed all episode. At this point in the show, it’s just
as out-of-character for her to be so rash and naive about life on the road, but we see instantly understand why she makes the decision, instead of needing to make assumption after assumption about why she really lied about Steven having a mom when her own explanation doesn’t hold up.

There’s just a sense of laziness behind this episode, and everything you just read is merely one of the symptoms. Why are our characters just sitting around eating when there’s clearly been a frightening population decrease in Delmarva? This one-table eatery is eerily empty, and the bus is just as barren: we don’t even see the driver. This from a crew that designed an entire bedroom for a beetle on a barren mountain peak to live in.

Connie’s motives might be questionable, but Alexandrite
only shows up because of further laziness: Pearl, who Steven easily identifies as the most
traditionally maternal Gem, suddenly hates eating. Yes, it’s a known trait now,
but she has no aversion to food until she needs to for Fusion Cuisine to work. Why wrack your brain to think about a reason she’s unqualified when you can just invent a new characteristic whole cloth?

You know how the big fusions are voiced by well-known singers like Aimee Mann and Nicki Minaj (and Estelle)? You’ll never believe who they got to play Alexandrite: that’s right, non-household name and non-singer Rita Rani Ahuja, best known for directing 2008 short film Bombay Skies! She’s only got a few lines, so why put in any effort to keep up such a cool trend? What’s that? Opal only had three lines and they still pulled out the big guns? Whatever.

(Yes, Natasha Lyonne isn’t a singer either, but

Smoky Quartz’s primary trait is being the oddball, and Lyonne is still known for her distinctive voice.)

What’s with Mr. Maheswaran freaking out when Steven hugs Connie? At what point did we establish that the Maheswarans are against this kind of behavior? Enh, whatever, I guess it’s a good enough gag to close out the episode on!

This episode is worse than bad, it’s disappointing. It’s got so many great ingredients to work with, and little moments shine through the sloppiness (Garnet’s phone manner, Alexandrite’s theme, Connie’s excitement over running away, Mary Elizabeth McGlynn’s work as Dr. Maheswaran), but this Cuisine tastes more like leftovers. The kind that taste bad cold but get soggy if you microwave them and burn too easily in the oven.

Future Vision!

Was ~~Garnet~~
Mom Universe actually panicking when she said Steven and Connie were playing swords, or
making a prediction? Note the adjustment of her shades when she’s fumbling for an answer. (Hopefully this doesn’t mean Connie’s training will lead to the kids bleeding to death.)

Before Jailbreak, Garnet’s existence as a fusion was a wild fan theory. All it took was this screenshot to take away the “wild” part. Oh man, actual effort!

If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies…

I mean, I hate to repeat something verbatim from my House Guest review, but if Fusion Cuisine’s gonna repeat the same issues as that episode, I might as well. *Ahem*: “Does an entire episode count?”

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

I’m really tough on this one, because it’s the only time I’ve ever sensed that the crew didn’t care. Other episodes have little moments of laziness or obvious budget or deadline restraints (note the similarly empty diner and lodging in the terrific Keystone Motel), but here the sentiment sets the tone for the entire episode. House Guest ranks lower because Greg is even more out of character there than Connie is here, but it’s a close call.

But this is the last bad one for a while, if that helps. And if you liked it, that’s even more good episodes for you! Congrats!

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Mirror Gem
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Ocean Gem

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Space Race

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team

No Thanks!

3. Fusion Cuisine
2. House Guest
1. Island Adventure

Episode 31: Keep Beach City Weird

“I know what
the Diamond means.”

Ronaldo Fryman is annoying.

This is on purpose. Actor Zachary Steel
exaggerates his voice to that of a classic airhead surfer, albeit one that prefers the web to the waves. He’s known to top his fiery Fieri shirt with a fedora, easily the internet’s most loaded hat. He’s
obsessive and socially oblivious, and while neither trait makes him a mean guy,
both make him thoughtless. I don’t buy any argument that he’s a bad character,
as he does exactly what he’s supposed to do, and he fills a fascinating niche
in Beach City. But that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily likable, and sure enough, he’s the most divisive character
on the show this side of Lars.

At his best, Ronaldo evokes a stock character in my favorite Animaniacs segment, Chicken Boo, wherein a gigantic but thoroughly non-anthropomorphic chicken (he can’t even talk) wears terrible disguises to pass as human, but somehow manages to fool everyone. Well, almost everyone: in every episode, there’s always just one person who notices that Chicken Boo is a chicken, and is made to feel like a lunatic for pointing it out. That’s Ronaldo, except he’s living in a world where everyone sort of knows Chicken Boo is a chicken and they just don’t care.

Ronaldo is
perfectly fine as a side character, where he does his shtick and then goes away
before it wears thin. But when he’s the focus of an episode, his intentionally
grating nature (surprise!) grates. Even at his tamest, Ronaldo’s saddled with Steel’s
performance: a terrific match for the character, but not one I enjoy listening
to for extended periods. It’s how I imagine certain people feel about long-term Gilbert Gottfried exposure (although I actually love that voice so much he could just read names and I’d be satisfied).

There’s one exception to my Ronaldo Rule, and that’s Keep Beach City Weird.
This is just the perfect plot for him: it’s inherently funny to see a
conspiracy theorist function in a world where magic is a known quantity, and this
is his greatest trial as a true believer. Moreover, Ronaldo’s childishness puts Steven in a unique position of maturity this early in the show: Steven initially takes the conspiracies seriously, but soon realizes how silly they are and humors Ronaldo in the same way the Crystal Gems and Greg have humored him. This episode blends deep character study with Steven’s continued growth, and that makes it really hard to knock.

Here more than anywhere else, Ronaldo’s intentionally annoying attitude works to his benefit, allowing Steven to have the intellectual and emotional high ground (this same high ground is afforded to Peedee, whose entire relationship with Ronaldo hinges on fudging the older/younger brother dynamic). While Ronaldo’s enthusiasm has never been in doubt, this episode excels at showing how it helps and hurts (mostly hurts) his relationships with people and reality, making his behavior a bit more endurable by grounding it in realism. It’s just as refreshing to see a conspiracy theorist actually admit the core beneath their beliefs: it isn’t about weird stuff, it’s about the believer wanting to be special for noticing.

Don’t get me wrong with all this introspection talk, this episode is goofy. There’s fanservice galore, with Ronaldo subbing in—not dubbing in—for the anime nerds in the audience. His speeches about reality (“Truth is searching for anything that proves you’re right no matter how small, and holding on to that, no matter what!”) may be great commentary on the myopic nature of conspiracy theories, but they’re also funny. And as far as visual puns go, it doesn’t get much better than Ronaldo’s base being the lighthouse overlooking the Temple: the answers to all of his questions are literally right under his nose.

I’m still not Ronaldo’s biggest fan, so some of the humor falls flat for me: as with Steven all the way back in Gem Glow, “x powers ACTIVATE!” jokes always make me cringe. It’s still a given that annoying characters are annoying, and much of the episode is spent tolerating his antics rather than enjoying his company; as with Lars, I get where the show is going with it, but that doesn’t mean I always like it.

The Gems’ presence looms large throughout, despite their relatively low screentime. They give us Steven Tag, complete with Garnet fully shapeshifting, which is honestly worth the price of admission alone (Pearl’s fierce reaction to Steven’s cry for help is a great little moment, but I’d still prefer to see her playing along; however, A Single Pale Rose lends credence to the theory that yeah she’s not big on shapeshifting anymore thanks to a traumatic past). Their no-nonsense reaction to Ronaldo’s theories speeds up Steven’s revelation that all the weird stuff is obviously Gem-related, and leads to Pearl’s hilariously bleak commentary on the brevity of humanity and our need to find meaning. Each scene with Gems in this episode directly highlights their powers or ages, and this focus on Gems-as-aliens only amplifies the irony of Ronaldo’s wild inaccuracies.

Early in the episode, Steven gets some nice moments where he just acts like a kid, from distractedly popping his finger in Pearl’s mouth to playing with his binoculars while walking around Beach City; the verisimilitude of his childishness never ceases to amaze. But this is as important as the Gems’ otherness here, considering Ronaldo’s juvenile antics appeal to Steven’s playful side. I love how much thought is put into focusing our main characters around the strengths and weaknesses of the side character we’re focusing on.

(Steven also scores for “Snake men are real and we’re puppeting the go’ment.”)

And of course, that ending. After
putting snake people to bed once and for all, Ronaldo’s next theory proves
eerily accurate. The joke is obvious in the first
viewing, as we know at that point that “Polymorphic sentient rocks!” is a
decent definition of the Gems, but it was unclear how far the show would take
it. Sure enough, not only are the Diamonds a big deal, but they’re literally
called the Diamond Authority and planned to hollow out Earth. While Ronaldo usually fluxes between ironic smugness while trying to be cool and unabashed glee when geeking out, Steel’s dead-serious read on the header quote, after the camera zooms in on the strange diamond seal on Delmarva’s money, is honestly a little chilling.

This is, sadly, the last Ronaldo-centric episode where I actually like the character all the way through. I don’t hate the guy, but much like the standard Lars affair, there are so many more enjoyable personalities to hang out with in Beach City that it’s a slog to spend time with the ones that purposefully aggravate. Keep Beach City Weird is a diamond in the rough, and if anyone could appreciate that, it’s Ronaldo.

~~Future Vision~~ TRUTH VISION!!!

We see a snake-themed message board during Ronaldo’s speech, which initially looks like a joke. HOWEVER, Disney’s 1996 non-classic First Kid, in which a Secret Service agent must protect the president’s rambunctious son, shows the titular First Kid (henceforth “FK”) using a similar snake-themed chat service. The villain uses the aptly named “Snake Chat” to lure FK into getting kidnapped—keen viewers will note that our baddie’s username (sorry, “Screen name”) references a mongoose, the primal antagonist of our hero’s snake avatar:

Who portrays the heroic Secret Service agent tasked with saving FK? Sinbad. That’s right, the voice of Mr. Smiley in Season 1 of Steven Universe before being

mysteriously replaced by fellow comedian Colton Dunn. Who’s to say that Sinbad isn’t an actual government agent and the events of First Kid actually happened, but an unknown force erased it from our consciousness, leaving its only remaining documentation an obscure 90′s film. Keep Beach City Weird’s snake sequence (or snakequence) jolted Sinbad’s memory, but before he could expose the truth, he was unpersoned and usurped by Dunn in hopes that nobody would notice?

You just read all about it on my blog!

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

The ranking here will probably make it seem like I oversold how much I enjoyed Keep Beach City Weird, but trust me, compared to other Ronaldo episodes it’s a greatest hit. Unfortunately for the episode, but fortunately for us, there’s just a ton of episodes out there already that are far beyond “good.”

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Mirror Gem
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Ocean Gem

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Space Race

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team

No Thanks!

2. House Guest
1. Island Adventure

Episode 30: Island Adventure

“Don’t read into it.”

I try not to get too much into the progressive elements of this show, as they usually don’t impact the storytelling proper (which is why they’re so great; presenting LGBT themes and such as part everyday life is vastly superior to Very Special Episodes pointing out differences), and they’re well-documented elsewhere (no point making an analysis that amounts to common knowledge). But the problem with Island Adventure is that I actually can’t help but read into it.

In this episode, Lars notices Sadie’s in a funk, so he and Steven coax her into taking an island vacation. She’s not into it, but Lars has secretly sabotaged their means of escape, trapping her on the island because he’s decided this is what’s best for her without her consent. After a week(!) or so of maintaining this ruse, a depressed Sadie kisses him, arguably due to his machinations; the attraction was there, perhaps, but stress brings it to the surface.

When a monster attacks, Lars reveals his deception, and Sadie is understandably horrified; while holding herself and shivering in recollection of how she was manipulated, Lars hits her repeatedly and points out she prompted the kiss. His final strike is so strong that it knocks her into a pit, where the monster attacks her. He jumps down to save her from the problem he started, and is lionized in his victory, with Sadie’s concerns all but forgotten. It’s a troubling depiction of emotional and physical abuse, made especially upsetting because the show never calls Lars out on his behavior: far from it, he’s treated as the hero in the end.

Oh wait, silly me, the roles are reversed. A girl did all that stuff to a boy, so it’s okay!

…there’s a lot to love about Island Adventure, but it’s weighed down by its deeply uncomfortable implications about when abuse matters. Had the victim of the treatment Sadie doles out been female, and the perpetrator male, the internet would have (rightfully) exploded. But Lars? Whatever, he’s a jerk! He probably deserved it!

Lest my argument here confuse anyone into thinking I’m a Men’s Rights Activist of any sort (I figuratively shivered while typing that), I’m upset because I’m a feminist. Feminism as I see it (through the lens of a couple college-level Women’s Studies courses, conversations with activist friends and family, and the internet being the internet) is fundamentally anti-abuse. And excusing Sadie’s behavior based on her gender is, in essence, saying she’s too inferior to actually hurt Lars in the same way he could hurt her.

(Last bit of progressive screed: this is a really good comic explaining how feminism helps everyone, even straight white cis men like me.)

If Lars and Sadie end up together without a conversation about Island Adventure, it will be a terrible mistake, and it looks like that’s where we’re headed. Yes, people get into relationships with abusive people all the time, and Sadie has arguably changed since this episode (although she’s still defined by carrying a lot of pent up anger). But unless the show specifically addresses how wrong she was here, a Lars x Sadie ending teaches kids that this sort of behavior is okay, or just a minor hurdle. Perhaps there’s merit to showing realism in all its forms, but this is still a show with an impressionable audience. For all the times Steven Universe has done right by young viewers, this is a serious misstep.

Okay. So that’s the bad stuff. And even though it’s so overwhelming that this episode ranks dead last for me, I can’t deny that there’s plenty of good stuff to find as well. The visuals of Mask Island (which only gets this name in future episodes, oddly enough) are stunning, best showcased in this terrific montage:

We get days’ worth of character progression in just 90 seconds. Sadie goes from novice hunter to a ruthless expert, while Lars slowly warms up and grows confident in his cooking. Steven’s just being Steven, but it’s his wonderful song that guides us through it, and its upbeat tone chirping undaunted while Sadie gets attacked by a giant fish makes for the episode’s funniest moment.

Wherever You Are is reminiscent of Giant Woman in its simple, repetitive structure, and Do It For Him in the segment’s unusual compression of time; most episodes take place over the course of a day, tops. By my count there are six or seven sunsets over Mask Island during Wherever You Are, and it’s crucial to compact this week to fit into an eleven-minute story. An intertitle works for stories like Sworn to the Sword, where we leap forward in time, but we need to see an actual change between Point A and Point B.

This is also, despite the above criticism, an excellent episode for Lars and Sadie. My problem is that the show doesn’t call Sadie out on her manipulation, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t be manipulative. I mean, she shouldn’t be, morally, but it makes sense for her character to take the actions she takes, and to have her frustration blind her to how her actions can be hurtful. This is a flaw rooted in her well-established feelings for Lars and her teen awkwardness and her anger issues, driving her to do something desperate and stupid.

As I mentioned, Sadie’s monster fight doesn’t earn her any brownie points for how she treats Lars, as she’s the reason he’s in danger in the first place: it would be like praising someone for rescuing a baby from a burning building after they started the fire. However, while I disagree with any notion that Sadie’s fight scene balances out her manipulations, I can’t deny that it’s an stunning visual sequence. The invisible monster’s slow reveal through mud and rain is gorgeous and intense, and it’s amazing to see Sadie scrape by with fishmurdering skills and grit compared to the ease with which the Gems battle monsters. This is the first time we see a human take down a Corrupted Gem solo, and Island Adventure makes it believable.

Lars is at his best when life’s kicking him in the shins, so he’s fantastic in this episode. I’ll give credit to the show that his spurts of anger aren’t used for comic relief, but rather have weight and dig deeper into his character. His aside about loneliness is arguably a bit cheesy, but he’s a teenager, and it’s honestly shocking to not only see a cartoon talk openly about depression, but for Lars to be talking openly about anything. It’s also neat to see what actually makes him happy: as the sagely Zoltron will one day surmise, letting people depend on him fills his heart with warm feelings. But most impressive is Matthew Moy’s performance when Lars realizes Sadie’s deception; he’s obviously good at capturing anger and disgust, but his outburst at being tricked blends both emotions into something far deeper than we’ve seen before. I just wish Lars was allowed to follow through instead of instantly forgetting how wronged he was.

(I never really talk about Kate Micucci as Sadie, I just realized. I should, because she’s never not great.)

The Gems get jokes, and they’re good jokes, and then they go away.

Island Adventure is important, and not just because Steven becomes the Warpmaster. It shows a toxic relationship in a genre that veers young enough to make romance in general a rarity beyond juvenile crushes. But without any follow-through on Sadie’s actions, the poison infects the whole darn episode, and that’s a real shame.

Future Vision!

It’s a good thing Mask Island’s Corrupted Gem was dealt with, or all those Watermelon Stevens would have two monsters to appease with sacrifices.
Baking and cooking are two different skills, but Lars’s hidden skill at prepping food is telegraphed here regardless.

If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies…

So. Nobody notices that Steven, Lars, and Sadie are missing for a week? All three kids have parents and/or Pearls who would be worried sick. Big Donut didn’t even fire its two truant employees! Their long stay is amusing as a gag in the moment, but with a little examination it makes no sense.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Sorry to be preachy, but the awful message of Island Adventure digs a hole that the episode can’t climb out of. I’m all about an episode exploring the hurtles of nascent romance and how good intentions can seriously hurt people—most teen abusers don’t realize their actions are abusive!—but if the abuse isn’t acknowledged as such, all it’s doing is telling kids that ignoring consent and actively lying and hitting people is no big deal. I’m old enough to appreciate the realism, but I’m not the most important audience here. This one’s on principle.

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Mirror Gem
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Ocean Gem

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Space Race

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team

No Thanks!

2. House Guest
1. Island Adventure

Episode 29: Secret Team

“Like nothing ever happened.”

Secret Team is a terrific argument
against the oft-repeated mantra that there’s no filler in Steven Universe. It may be fun, funny, well-paced, well-scored, and full of good
character beats, but nothing about it shapes the show or its roster in ways
that haven’t been done previously.

A story about
Pearl and Amethyst’s perpetual conflict? Covered in Giant Woman. A story about collecting scattered Gem Shards? Rewatch
Frybo. Steven guarding a secret? A key plot point of Tiger Millionaire. The
excellent montage as Secret Team hunts down the Gem Shards through the nooks
and crannies of the Temple? We’ve already explored these places in Together Breakfast. Hilarious
intertitles between scenes? Done in Steven
and the Stevens. A “Garnet
Knows Best” resolution? She gives similar inspirational wrap-ups in Serious Steven, Monster Buddies, and the aforementioned Giant Woman, where she similarly pulls strings to bring Amethyst and Pearl
together.

If a new viewer missed this episode, nothing would be lost. It isn’t a turning point for Pearl
and Amethyst’s relationship: they’ll continue to bicker, and we won’t see
explicit fence-mending begin until On the Run. The question,
then, is whether or not that matters. Does a lack of importance to the ongoing
story or character arcs make this an inferior episode? Just because you can skip this one with minimal consequences, should you?

Obviously, it
depends on the viewer and the episode. Steven and the Stevens is an even bigger case of filler, one which erases all but a few minutes of itself from continuity, and it’s literally my favorite episode. But then again, Steven and the Stevens encapsulates the show itself, or at least the show for a good while (Hit the Diamond takes the character-summarizing mantle once the status quo has been shifted enough times). And it tells a wildly different story than what we’ve seen before or since on the show.

Secret Team does neither of these things. Again, there’s nothing really new here, this is just a typical day in the life of Steven and the Crystal Gems. But they’re gonna make you smile, and a joke machine with good character moments, when done well enough, can be its own reward. Serialization is what makes Steven Universe great, as is seeing characters evolve, but there’s nothing wrong with the occasional standalone that slows us down to reestablish our players and how they bounce off each other after a slew of heavy episodes.

The key here—beyond
Secret Team’s individual merits,
which I swear I’ll get to in like four paragraphs—is timing. We’re still in the "Steven notices relatively minor flaws” stage of Season 1B, with the target here being Amethyst and Pearl (again). But the first half of the subseason is also a critical lull in
the action that we won’t return to until well after the Secret Team (with special guest Garnet) goes to space.

Lapis may shake
things up, but relative to future foes she poses no threat and retreats peacefully: thus, Steven’s perspective grows, but the
stakes are low, and we still get to relax a little as he sees things in a new light. But Peridot spells danger,
and with higher stakes come drastic changes, from his first fusion to a deeper revelation of the Gems’ struggles. Even if the menace of Homeworld isn’t
imminent until The Message, Steven
understands the gravity of his friends’ reactions to Peridot, and his worldview shifts even more.

This is all to say that the late 20’s
and early 30’s of Steven Universe are
a transition not only in Steven’s point of view, but the tone of the show; and really, the two concepts are so linked that it’s almost pointless to distinguish them. Episodes like Secret Team grow
scarce post-Lion 3, because the show grows up as Steven does. But he needs to be able to notice little problems now before he can see big
ones in the future, and with smaller issues come breezier episodes. Moreover, these lighter stories are vital for the stark tonal contrast that defines the back half of the
season to exist. Timing is everything, and this is the perfect time for filler.

(Unfortunately, it’s also why the beginning of season 1B is one of the weaker stretches of the show. But eating your vegetables makes dessert taste so much better.)

If it sounds
like I’m stalling on analyzing Secret Team on its own, it’s because I sort of am. There honestly isn’t much to discuss about the episode itself in retrospect,
given its lack of importance to the series proper and lack of fresh concepts (like, say, time travel clones). What you see the first time is what you see the fortieth, no matter how far into the future you’ve watched, with one simple but notable exception:

Steven really, really likes secrets in this episode. I wonder which parent he gets that from?

But even looking through Rose-tinted glasses (one could they’re actually more Pinkish), there’s not a lot to this episode. It’s no more and no less than a solid eleven minutes of television: great physical humor (Pearl’s silent hyperventilation), great verbal humor (Garnet hailing Kiki
as “Pizza-Daughter”), and some truly terrific action caper music. We may be used to the Amethyst/Pearl feud, but it makes sense for such different personalities to clash, and for no magic fix to bury the hatchet for them in an episode or two. Garnet shows her wisdom yet again, and Steven gets to act like a kid after seven episodes in a row where horrible things happen to him.

Seriously, from Steven and the Stevens through Space Race, he watched a room full of himselves die, lost a beloved new friend, nearly lost Amethyst and was made to doubt his place among the Gems, unleashed a dangerous new Gem after fighting with Garnet, nearly drowned battling said Gem, got betrayed by his father, and nearly exploded in a spaceship. And he’s about to be trapped on an island, then tied to a chair to be tortured. If the worst thing that happens to him in Secret Team is boredom and a little sadness over Amethyst and Pearl’s fighting, he’s had a pretty good day.

Things won’t always be this easy for our hero, and maybe that’s the biggest takeaway we’ll get from hindsight. That, and the knowledge that VIP(IZZA) membership works better in card form than more literal corporate branding.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

This is the “Enh” episode. It’s not bad at all, but nothing in it stands out enough from the pack for me to put it very high. It’s just there, and it’s fun while it’s there, but then it goes away and I don’t think about it anymore.

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Mirror Gem
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Ocean Gem

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Space Race

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team

No Thanks!

1. House Guest

Episode 28: Space Race

“Yeah. With you.”

Before Lapis
Lazuli confirmed it, Steven Universe hinted at the Gems being aliens. Or rather, Pearl did:
she’s the one who calls the Lunar Sea Spire “an oasis for Gems on Earth”
in Cheeseburger Backpack and raves
about why she loves the planet in Serious Steven. So it’s only fitting that she ushers us into the Space Age.

What’s the
Space Age, you ask? It’s how I (in my head, and never again in a review because
I don’t wanna explain my personal jargon every time I mention it) designate the
series post-House Guest. I call it this because:

It begins with a Space Race,
The stakes shift from local to
cosmic, and
The show’s overall quality skyrockets.

Space Race is great enough on its own, but as a table-setting episode
it’s one of the best. We establish with gusto that the Gems, as Greg will put it in We Need to Talk, really are aliens (even earthlings like
Amethyst). We’re introduced to the Galaxy Warp and the barn, both crucial recurring
locations.

We hear a brand new phrase, “Gem Homeworld,” slip in without fanfare.

We meet the Crying Breakfast Friends as a source of meta commentary on the show itself. And for the first time, but certainly not the last, we see that the Gems’ flaws can outweigh what we’ve taken as a given thus far: doing what they think is best for Steven.

As opposed to
Greg’s uncharacteristic fling with deception in House Guest, Pearl’s obsession with
spaceflight is totally in-character. We’ve seen her manic determination before,
and this instance is informed by her bond with Steven and disdain for Greg.
Like Greg last episode, she lies (taking Steven in the final act under the
pretenses of a quick engine check) and makes a bad decision from a good
intention, but unlike Greg, occasional self-centeredness and moral flexibility
are part of who she is. Both are in the wrong, but Pearl is wrong in the real
way: her flaws here—going too far and ignoring human limitations—recur throughout the series and prompt her to grow.

Speaking of
Greg, he’s right back to normal, thank goodness. His sweetness matches Steven’s
innocence at every turn in their construction project, and his dopey demeanor is
balanced by an understated competence: the Mach I might not work for
spaceflight, but it’s certainly a better roller kart than I could make. This is also the most mature we’ve seen him thus far: the reveal that his aunt and uncle were also hoarders leads to a hilarious pause of self-reflection, and we actually see him put his foot down when the situation calls
for it, literally grounding his son when Pearl gets too intense and standing up
to arguments on two fronts with a solid backbone.

Most notable,
though, is Greg’s desperate search for Steven’s escape chute after the shuttle
explodes. We so often see Steven in danger (“I’m used to it”) that it can be easy to forget how terrifying this is to an
outsider; Greg’s worries are half-jokingly touched on in Ocean Gem’s water fight, but Tom Scharpling’s shift from frantic
pleas to a pitch perfect sigh of exasperated relief takes the emotion to a
whole other level. This is some series-best Greg.

But let’s get
back to Pearl. This episode is intriguing in rewatch for showing that she misses Homeworld—yes, she’s shown to miss space travel in general more, extolling the wonders of other planets and the cosmos, but she specifically longs to see what’s been going on without her. As we learn in Now We’re Only Falling Apart, she spent a few thousand years with Pink Diamond before coming to Earth, during which time she certainly saw quite a few galactic wonders and the daily lives of upper-crust Homeworld, so she’s bound to have different feelings about it than Garnet (whose life as a fusion began on Earth) or Amethyst (whose life period began on Earth).

In the
semi-flashback of Rose’s Scabbard, we
see that Rose pitched exile from Homeworld as a consequence with the same
gravity as being killed. Pearl’s choice was conditional on Rose’s location (“Why would I ever want to go home if you’re here?”), and Space
Race has her grapple with this choice’s eventual outcome well before we
learn why she made it. When Steven points out that she’s on Earth with him,
he’s unknowingly reminding her she’s not
on Earth with Rose. This, combined with her homesickness, powers Deedee Magno Hall’s
somber responses to his attempts at reassurance.

Between these
emotional peaks, Pearl’s greatest moment is the monologue where she slowly
realizes that mechanical spaceflight is feasible, interrupted by the Pearliest
aside about furniture quality we could hope for. We’ve heard so many speeches from her
already, but this time her audience isn’t really Steven, but herself. The facial animation here alone earns an A+, but Magno Hall’s read on “Althou(uuuuu)gh” merits extra credit.

Surprising no
one, Aivi and Surasshu shine, from the first instance of the eerie Galaxy Warp theme to the UUU rocket science montages, but their best work here is the flight of Mach III, which is wonderfully integrated into the show via Pearl’s
piano-based controls. The design of the makeshift vessel is phenomenal, managing to be sleek while clearly made of scraps (an alternate name for this episode could’ve been Arts and Spacecrafts): beyond the piano, it gleefully borrows elements of Greg’s van and makes an ejector seat out of the “disgusting” recliner.

Unfortunately, that ejector brings us to the episode’s only notable flaw: on a kid’s show that sets a new standard for subverting lessons, the moral of Space Race doesn’t exactly put the b in subtle. Alongside all the other firsts in this episode is the show’s sporadic trend to have Greg flat-out tell us what we’re supposed to learn, and it’s always a little disappointing. Knowing when to bail may be an important piece of wisdom when the common “never give up” message can so easily be taken too far, but this show’s capable of relaying it far more cleverly.

That’s hardly enough to sink this spaceship. Space Race is probably the best episode in Season 1B’s buildup to Lion 3, and certainly is the best Greg and Pearl we’ll see until then. Maybe they’ll even start getting along someday!

(Not anytime soon, though. I give em 58 episodes or so.)

Future Vision!

I mentioned
this is the first time we see the Galaxy Warp, but Steven’s stickers
specifically come back in a big way when Peridot comes to town.
Obviously Back to the Barn brings us back to the barn, but the makeshift robots and drill are yet another important plot point whose seeds are sown in Space Race.
Pearl reiterates her desire to have taken Steven to Homeworld in Gemcation, by which time he’d seen it through a much more competent kidnapping.

If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies…

I’m really curious how Pearl found out about the detailed history of human spaceflight considering how much of an isolationist she still was in the actual Space Race. I don’t consider this an actual continuity error (I can totally imagine
her studying up on humans after Steven came along) but it’s an example of how her
understanding of Earth culture can fluctuate based on convenience to a plot or
joke.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

This is the bedrock upon which giant portions of the show are built, hiding behind a classic Steven mix of fun and heart. The lesson may be on the nose, but it’s still a hell of a ride.

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Mirror Gem
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Ocean Gem

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Space Race

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim

No Thanks!

1. House Guest

Episode 27: House Guest

“Now Greg, there’s no need to be so pathetic.”

Homer Simpson. Peter Griffin (and Stan Smith and Cleveland Brown). Fred Flintstone. Jake Morgendorffer. Randy Marsh. Dads in cartoon comedies for all ages can be loving in various ways, but are almost uniformly Dumb. I mean, there’s literally one named Goofy.

The trend to dumb down dads originated as a subversion to the paragons of Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver, and later The Cosby Show (whoops) and Growing Pains (whoops by proxy for Alan Thicke’s gross son). But the Dumb Dad has long surpassed the ubiquity of the Dull Dad, and the trope has in its own way become boring. The standard, in cartoons and live action sitcoms alike, is the Dull Dumb Dad.

It’s a similar to sensation to how the word “nimrod,” which comes from the biblical king of the same name, went from meaning “great hunter” to “idiot” thanks to Bugs Bunny’s ironic usage influencing generation after generation of children. When a joke is repeated enough in just the right circumstances, it eventually stops being a joke (see: Donald Trump).

This is what makes Bob Belcher, the quirky but talented and hard-working father of Bob’s Burgers, so refreshing. And it’s what makes Greg Universe in House Guest so disappointing.

There’s simply no reason for him to lie to Steven about his leg being broken. There’s no indication, before or after this episode, that this is in-character: future “Greg’s flawed’ showcases like Maximum Capacity and Greg the Babysitter hammer in that his flaw is jerk-level thoughtlessness when he’s too wrapped up in something (Lil Butler and Rose, or arguably Rose and Rose) but here he’s calculating. And there’s no indication that Steven would be against hanging out with him more, which throws off the whole motive. The misfire is deafening on a show this good at creating natural conflict between consistent characters.

It’s not fair to criticize an episode for what it isn’t, but I’ll just say this and let it go: if the crew wanted to make an episode where Greg feels left out and wants to hang with Steven, Ocean Gem already sets up that he has second thoughts about Steven’s exposure to danger with the Crystal Gems. Doubling down on these reservations would be much more realistic and would root his behavior more purely in a place of love, and Steven getting the yips because of it could maintain the plot point of his healing powers fading.

Anyway. Greg’s never been a perfect dad, but he’s such a great guy that it’s a shock to see him turn downright rotten in House Guest It’s also a shame, because his behavior is not only less realistic for him but less interesting. This flies in the face of convention, as conflict fuels plot, but Greg’s competence and pure love is already a subversion of the Dull Dumb Dad, so falling into the trope is a devolution rather than a development.

Like fellow season premiere (I know, I know, this is a “half season”) Full Disclosure, this episode explores the immediate aftermath of a major event. Greg’s leg and van are broken, and he’s too poor to get either of them fixed properly. Pearl may be glad to help with the van, but doesn’t for a second hide her Rose-fueled disdain for Greg. It’s not long before Amethyst reminds Steven about his healing powers to help with the leg, and Greg’s deception begins.

The knowledge that he’s lying just poisons the rest of the episode; Steven’s obviously upset, and Greg has the opportunity to go back on his plan (”Haha, delayed reaction!” or something) but he doubles down on the lie despite his “fave guy” suffering. Note: as soon as he suggests the two can spend more time together, Garnet pointedly hums. Like us rewatchers, she knows what’s coming.

Dear Old Dad amps up the sweetness, but this too is hollow, as it’s built on an unnecessary, confidence-breaking lie. Why would Greg not be able to spend time with Steven? Especially when the Gem who dislikes him most is busy fixing the van? There’s lip service to him “getting in the way” of Steven’s training, but we’ve spent so much of this show seeing Steven during his down time that this excuse doesn’t cut it. If we had a concrete reason that Greg couldn’t hang out with his son more, perhaps I’d understand why he’d be so drastic as to feign an injury. But we don’t, so I don’t.

It gets even worse when he plays up the guilt card, abusing the Warp Whistle in a way that would even be obnoxious if his leg was broken. The Geode is a fascinating set piece, but we barely get to see it between the Greg breaks. Even Steven’s heartfelt speech about his place among the Crystal Gems when his powers don’t work gets interrupted.

Lying to Steven in a way that breaks his confidence is bad enough, even when the intention is bonding time. But Greg’s now actively taking advantage of the situation, and it’s just plain messed up. And it all leads to him dancing around the kitchen, going out of his way to use his leg and humming Dear Old Dad.

We’re led to believe that this lapse is due to Greg’s stupidity, as he forgets he was faking until Steven points it out. And we’re led to believe that the lie came from a place of love, as he just wanted to hang out with Steven again. But it’s hard to believe either excuse when he’s been hyper-manipulative for the entirety of the second act. The more I watch this episode, the more I hate it.

The final act swings right back into Steven Universe’s standard tone, with Steven seeing his and Greg’s instruments and deciding to forgive his dad, and Greg trying to make up for his mistake. We have another lesson twist when Steven’s powers still don’t work, necessitating a fun duct tape joke. All ends well, and we never speak of Greg’s behavior here again. It’s sloppy, but it works for me, because anything that gets us out of this troubling leniency with his basic thought process is better than the alternative.

The key difference between ~~Season 1 and 2~~ Season 1A and 1B is that the latter is anchored by a unified theme: Everyone has problems. The first half of the subseason is dominated by episodes where Steven realizes a flaw in a loved one (or Ronaldo). The second half continues this trend, but with much bigger flaws and a focus on how Steven’s adults are actually handling the loss of Rose. In that sense, House Guest sets the tone for the things to come well. But it works so much better when the flaws actually align with the characters and, I dunno, develop them?

(Don’t worry, Greg’ll be right back to normal next time.)

If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies…

Does an entire episode count?

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

House Guest prioritizes getting Steven’s powers out of the way over literally everything else, including basic storytelling and the characters it’s built up over twenty-six episodes. Cat Fingers may be boring, but at least it doesn’t temporarily demolish one of television’s best father figures for no good reason.

And that’s how this rating system got its fifth category. Like the Top Five, it will be ranked, but in reverse order, and without an arbitrary cap on how many can fit in. There are very few episodes I actively dislike, but hey, at least House Guest gets to be #1 somewhere!

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Mirror Gem
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Ocean Gem

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim

No Thanks!

1. House Guest

Episode 26: Ocean Gem

**“You’re one of them. One of the Crystal Gems.”**

Ocean Gem concludes the story we began in Mirror Gem, and it follows noted ocean-lover James Cameron’s trend from Aliens and Terminator 2: Judgment Day: after a tightly paced small scale suspense story, the sequel doubles down on the cast, the action, and the stakes, all while transforming its female lead from survivor to badass.

In true finale form (or midseason finale in this case, although the delineation seems arbitrary given the other seasons span 26ish episodes) this episode is huge. I love the panning shot that kicks us off, containing virtually every character we’ve met so far (Yellowtail and Mayor Dewey are just off-screen). I love it so much I made it into a panorama!

We know the Crystal Gems will always save the day, and if we think they can’t, they’ll always find a way. But do the people of this world believe in Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl (and Steven)? So far, not really. The denizens of Beach City are distinctly uninterested in the magical goings-on around them, which is what makes Ronaldo such an exception (despite his weirdly unenthused face above). In fact, the most prominent reaction we’ve seen to Gem shenanigans (shenanigems? gemanigans?) was Kofi’s justified complaints over his shop getting wrecked. Seeing everyone here reminds us that the Crystal Gems are much more than adventurers fighting monsters on missions. They’re defenders of human life, and Steven earns his wings by remembering that more than any of his seniors.

Humans can also pull their own weight: for the first time, Connie and Greg are deputized Crystal Gems (Connie’s shirt even has a picture of our sun, blending the star icon with an earthling twist). In fact, native earthlings are everywhere in Ocean Gem, which might seem strange for an episode that revolves around a brand new Gem. Isn’t Lapis way more interesting?

Maybe she is, but Ocean Gem’s dual focus subtly informs the future of the show. It’s a microcosm of the greater conflict that defines the series’s backstory and ongoing plot: some Gems want to use Earth’s resources to their advantage, and other Gems want to protect its inhabitants from the consequences. And it reinforces the series’s main theme: forming relationships and helping each other may be harder and less obvious than fighting, but it’s worth it.

It’s so important that we meet Lapis Lazuli first. Peridot is indoctrinated and slow to come around, and Jasper is a ruthless bully, but Lapis immediately shows Steven (and children of all ages in the audience) that being on an opposing side doesn’t make one evil. And it goes a step further than this lesson requires, because Lapis isn’t even nice—she’s awful quick to fight, and drips with disdain at the concept of caring about Earth—but she’s still worth reaching out to.

Deducing this his own is a gigantic step for Steven. Together with his first on-field shield summon, his freely-given magical spit, and his defense of humanity after encountering an alternate point of view, this cements his status as a Crystal Gem and a hero.

And then he’s saved by known human Connie when the tower falls, and praised by a whole crowd of humans when he gets home, because no matter how mystical he is, he’s still Greg’s son too. And while it’s easy to perceive Steven as oblivious while we figure out Gem lore at a much faster pace than him, remember that he knows these people better than we ever will from our brief windows into their lives.

This is the connection with humanity Rose never truly had. He’s making Onion smile, for crying out loud. Through Steven, Rose can learn how to love like Greg does. I wonder if they’re gonna write a song about that? If they did, this scene would be really good place to put it.

If Beach City’s residents are on one end of the spectrum and Lapis is on the other, Steven’s second act ground team is right in the middle. The quiet, funny, sweet, informative drive through the empty ocean hearkens to Lion’s run across the water in Lion 2 The Movies, complete with Steven and Connie as his riders. It’s a beautifully paced sequence, from Garnet’s excellent physical comedy to a wordless stretch of driving to Pearl (with the assist from Amethyst) contextualizing Lapis with all the monsters we’ve encountered. The montage of past foes begins with the Mother Centipeetle in full berserk force, and ends with her gem, bubbled by Steven three episodes ago. Gems can change, he knows it, and it’s explicitly on his mind as he interacts with Lapis.

Say what you will about her methods, but Lapis’s escape plan makes for some stunning visuals. Our human peanut gallery is at its best when in awe of the sight, with Connie flummoxed over how much magical destiny stuff is happening, and Greg speaking for all of us about album cover potential.

Lapis’s face going full Wizard of Oz is terrific at showcasing her mastery of water, and a hint of Mirror Gem’s eeriness returns when she briefly echoes Steven’s “NOOOO!” once more. The ensuing battle is a glorious blend of chaos and humor. Each participant has a moment to shine, with Amethyst and Pearl in particular getting nice throwbacks to Tiger Millionaire and Steven the Sword Fighter, and Garnet finally letting loose with a ground-shaking flurry of punches.

I love how the threat of each opponent escalates by flipping the mood: the Gems’ serious counterparts turn cartoonish as their aquatic powers are used, while Steven and Connie’s goofy charge is cut short by AquaSteven drowning them with his fists. Greg makes a funny aside about how dangerous this all is, only to prove it by breaking his leg. It’s not life-threatening, but the injury is specific enough to add real weight to the threat. How many cartoon fights have ended with an actual, diagnosable consequence instead of generic pain?

Beyond the self-evident merits of a well-made action sequence, the fight further clarifies just how strong Lapis can be. It’s one thing for Steven to make a new friend, but it’s that much more impressive that he can talk down someone who clearly has the upper hand.

(I’ve already discussed what happens next, but boy is the music pretty. With apologies to Rose, Greg, and Peridot, Lapis definitely has my favorite leitmotif.)

Lapis’s adventures are far from over, and Garnet and Pearl interrupt Steven’s happy ending from afar to assure us that there’s more to come. Again, the episode closes on a diamond-shaped star. The first act of the Homeworld arc has been sparked, and it’s good to know that when the plot hits the fan again, Steven is more than ready to stand on his own two feet.

Greg, on the other hand…

Future Vision!

Twice in three episodes, starting here, Steven’s authority figures make a pun on the term “grounded,” leading up to the Great TV Ban of Fusion Cuisine.
When Steven finally sums up his feelings about meeting a new Gem, he uses the same words Greg sings for a new Gem in Story for Steven: “What are you doing here?”
“Hey, mind imagining that two seasons from now, everyone will be friends and play baseball against a team made of feisty half-Garnets?” No prob,

If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies…

Erm, when did Connie get here? Why was she left outside before the episode’s events instead of dropped off at Steven’s? It’s not a big deal at all and it streamlines the episode, but she’s super unsupervised way too often for someone with such safety-conscious parents.
I understand that Lapis Lazuli needs to be reintroduced for viewers that haven’t seen Mirror Gem, but Steven’s incredulous reaction to hearing her name is absurd. Pearl is expositing to a kid who just went through this and was in the middle of talking about it when the episode begins. The Crewniverse could’ve easily had one of the many loitering civilians (especially the ever-curious Connie) ask who Lapis was to prompt the primer instead.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

I’ve always enjoyed Ocean Gem, but to me it suffers next to its predecessor; the tone Mirror Gem strikes is just perfect, and I prefer fantastic mood over big fireworks. So I watched them a week apart for the first time ever to write this review, and it made me appreciate Ocean Gem a lot more than I thought I did. I still prefer Mirror Gem, but Ocean Gem is pretty fantastic.

(And for the record, while I love all four films, I prefer Alien to Aliens but Judgment Day to Terminator.)

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Mirror Gem
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Ocean Gem

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim

Episode 25: Mirror Gem

“Let—ME—OOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!”

First, let’s do what this episode does best, and set the mood. There are mystery episodes, and then there are horror episodes, and then there are lore episodes, and then there’s Mirror Gem.

As a viewpoint character, Steven thrives by knowing as little as we do about the world he lives in. It gives us a companion in our discoveries, someone who’s just as mystified or frightened as an outside observer, and we form a natural bond as fellow explorers. He’s no blank slate avatar for the viewer to project themselves into, however, with a strong personality that’s emerged and evolved over the past twenty-four episodes.

When he’s gifted with a magic mirror that gradually reveals a personality, Steven’s too innocent to think that it might be villainous. But we’ve seen plenty of stories like this, so we know the lesson best summed up by Arthur Weasley in Chamber of Secrets: “Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain.”

The Mirror may seem friendly, but it’s unsettling to see sentience where we don’t expect it. As the pressure mounts, a rift forms between us and Steven. Like a team of teens splitting into groups in a slasher flick, it’s easy to judge Steven from the couch for falling for such an obvious ploy. Our well-tuned Bad Idea radars are reinforced by the Gems’ strong reaction, making it crystal clear that pulling the gem from The Mirror won’t end well. But red flags be damned, Steven does it anyway.

The joke’s on us. Without warning, we’re thrust right back into Steven’s point of view, because neither of us expects anything like Lapis Lazuli.

Mirror Gem has, and I suspect will always have, the biggest twist of the series. It’s in good company for sure: everything changes when you realize Pearl was in love with Rose and that Garnet is a fusion and that Rose Quartz is Pink Diamond. But nothing fundamentally redirects the show more than the revelation that the Gems are not alone. What was once a story about a boy growing up with magical heroes becomes an adventure, an adventure with sides, and with this information we can never go back to just hanging out forever. There’s a looming threat, and a bigger story to be told.

I’m gonna cash in the points I’ve been saving up on my Snooty Card to make the following ridiculous observation: Mirror Gem is like the cartoon equivalent of Maurice Ravel’s Boléro, a piece that’s just one big crescendo. It starts as unassuming as can be, but with every minute the tension elevates without dialing back, ending not with a victory but an explosion. Watching Mirror Gem is like climbing a volcano. But with fart jokes.

We begin with Connie, herald of change. She introduces Steven to the concepts of school and summer vacation, and it’s a testament to the characters that this could have easily become an entire episode about the Gems trying their hand at traditional education, and it would’ve been great. Instead, Pearl takes the prompt of teaching to, in a dramatic dance reminiscent of Lars and the Cool Kids, summon The Mirror. Lapis’s theme plays as a music box piece.

The promise of learning about Gem culture may prime us for a lore episode, but The Mirror doesn’t seem to work, so we instead shift into Steven’s infectious excitement over his “summer break” as he encounters various Beach City citizens.

This is the ultimate form of the “Steven hangs out in Beach City” plot, with The Mirror’s sudden burst of intelligence the metaphorical car bomb in an unaware driver’s trunk: the suspense comes not only from our knowledge that something’s wrong, but Steven’s obliviousness. He thinks he’s having a fun day, but we know The Mirror has its own plans.

Even so, we’re eased into the artifact’s powers when Steven nearly dies impersonating Michael Jackson, and The Mirror’s initial “Nooooo!” is followed by Mayor Dewey sternly addressing Steven as “Car Wash Kid.” The waves of humor distract us at first, but the dread sets in as Steven has his first conversation with his “new friend” and Lapis’s theme repeats, adding her signature celesta. And just in case any of us are willing to give a Steven-like benefit of the doubt, when he asks what life is like for a mirror, it ominously replies “You work!”

A good amount of time is spent making fart noises during Mayor Dewey’s speech, until the night falls over Steven and The Mirror. The reflection of a laughing Steven multiplies as he finally realizes it can think, and he doesn’t see the problem with its argument against being shown to the Gems.

That whole second act hammers in the relationship between boy and object so efficiently that we’re actually only halfway done with the episode in terms of runtime; the Crewniverse really knows how to use eleven minutes to their fullest. From here, the plot slows down to show the gravity of Steven’s discovery in full detail.

We’ve only seen true fear in the Gems in So Many Birthdays, when they believe Steven’s dying, so it says quite a bit that the above is their immediate reaction to his proclamation that The Mirror is “like a person.” When Steven gently confronts his friend’s silence, Lapis’s theme repeats, adding echoing chiptunes.

Garnet seems calm, but as she tries to talk Steven into giving her The Mirror, she (for the first time) threatens him, pointing out she could just take it from him if she wanted to. Estelle’s authoritative voice is constantly interrupted by The Mirror, using Steven’s own voice, screaming in protest. She reaches not only towards Steven, but towards us.

(I’m starting to get why the Centipeetle reacted so strongly to her gauntlets.)

After one last shot of Steven’s reflection, he knocks away Garnet’s hand, which knocks away her sunglasses. I mentioned in my review of Arcade Mania that I would’ve liked this to be the first time we see Garnet’s face, and since then I actually rewatched a good portion of the series with a friend where the former episode was skipped. And yeah, her reaction to the third eye in Mirror Gem was about what I’d expected: an audible wide-eyed gasp. Garnet, Steven’s strongest protector, is made into an intimidating and unearthly presence.

Steven’s fear, now compounded with his guilt over accidentally hitting Garnet and worry over getting punished, drives him from the house. When he hides and once again questions The Mirror, its response still sends chills up my spine. First, as Lars, it repeats “Away from home.” And then it forms a new sentence through echoing words, ending Garnet’s shout with a brand new T to give us the header quote. It shows an original image to boot: Steven removing the gem.

And then Steven reflects The Mirror.

Even now, knowing that something is different, it’s basically impossible to predict that the gem would unleash…well, a Gem. Lapis’s theme repeats, back to the original music box instrumentation, but slowed to a dirge.

Lapis Lazuli’s very existence is enough of a twist, but she ratchets up the mystery with every line. After thanking Steven, her first thought is confusion over why a Crystal Gem would let her free, and Steven’s reaction is about the same as ours. His entire world is upside down, and in a moment as rare as Lars being polite, he’s at a total loss for words.

The Gems aren’t all on the same side—and the ones we’ve gotten to know for the entire series might not be the good ones. The situation may be cleared up soon, but within Mirror Gem this reveal is incredible, not only because of how monumental this shift would be, but because we’re convinced it might actually be possible in just eleven minutes.

When the Crystal Gems appear, Lapis’s mounting fury never hides how reasonable her questions are in regards to her imprisonment. As she wipes them out with ease, her theme repeats with strings and a roaring piano, only to calm back down when she offers to take Steven “home.”

Yet another bombshell: the Gems aren’t from around here. It’s been hinted at, with their immense ages and Pearl’s praise of the Earth, but this is the moment where it’s made absolutely clear that these aren’t your everyday immortal magical women.

We don’t know where “home” is, but Lapis’s desire to take Steven solidifies her good intentions as she parts the sea like a liberating Moses. She’s not a cackling water witch and she doesn’t continue to fight the Crystal Gems, even though it’s obvious she could. She doesn’t kidnap Steven, or get angry when he doesn’t join her. This isn’t your everyday monster sealed in an object.

The last line is a joke from Garnet, an attempt similar to Rose’s Room to ease the episode’s tense atmosphere. It doesn’t quite work, but it doesn’t actively ruin the tone either, so I forgive it. What’s more, her line doesn’t actually close out the episode. Instead, the camera cuts to the horizon, and the show’s signature five-pointed star ending pauses over a twinkling little four-pointed sibling, up above the world so high.

Like a Diamond in the sky.

Future Vision!

It takes a flight over Jersey, but Steven and Lapis will make fart sounds together again.

If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies…

I get that Steven can be oblivious, but he’s really never seen a TV show or watched a movie that has school in it?

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Few episodes can reliably stir such strong emotions; just as Steven and the Stevens will always fill me with joy, Mirror Gem will always give me goosebumps. Rare is the twist episode that remains just as entertaining to viewers who know the twist.

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Mirror Gem
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Lion 2 The Movie

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim

Episode 24: An Indirect Kiss

“I’m really feeling it!”

It feels a bit redundant to write about my reaction to an episode about reactions. Because that’s An Indirect Kiss in a nutshell: Steven’s reaction to Amethyst versus his reaction to Rose Quartz, as amplified by Connie’s reaction to the story, and ending with her physical reaction to the titular “kiss.”

It’s a risky gambit when
characters react to a story within a story. Think of any piece of writing
delivered by an Aaron Sorkin character: the in-universe writer is routinely
lionized for their skill, but as these fans are also Sorkin characters, it’s
basically Aaron Sorkin telling the audience that Aaron Sorkin’s writing is
pretty great. When it fails (such as the “genius comedy” of Studio 60), Sorkin looks like a total hack,
and when it succeeds (such as many of the speeches in The West Wing) he still reeks of hubris.

A lower-key version of this is the
studio audience, priming the viewer on how to feel through laughter and applause. It’s hardly noticeable in
talk shows and sketch comedy like The
Daily Show and Saturday Night Live,
given their roots in live comedy where such participation is encouraged,
but scripted television has faced a major backlash for the practice in this post-Friends era. Holdouts like Chuck Lorre
and his assembly line of sitcoms (see: The
Big Bang Theory,
Two and a Half Men) get ratings, but
also heaps of critical scorn.

The reason Connie works so well
in An Indirect Kiss is that her
reactions to Steven’s story aren’t telling us how to feel, but reflecting it.
There’s a delay between seeing Steven’s adventure and seeing Connie’s face that
gives us time to process it on our own, so we’re rewarded when her reaction more or less matches ours. While the crew’s recognition of their
ability to pull heartstrings may evoke Sorkin-esque confidence, the fact is
they are able to pull heartstrings,
and Connie merely enhances the effect.

Connie’s softened considerably since Bubble Buddies, but is still willing to call Steven out on his nonsense when he needs it. She’s as fascinated with magic as ever, but her humanity is just as important in showing Steven he’d still be amazing if he was normal like her. And while she was absent in Monster Buddies, where Steven learns to bubble objects, her role as herald for his growth comes back in full force when he learns of his healing kisses (or “healing spit”). After their platonic friendship in Lion 2, we’re right back to exploring a childhood romance between these two kiddos, with his initial crush now clearly mutual if blushes are anything to go by. It’s adorable without being cloying, with realistic awkwardness and the culmination of their feelings being, well, indirect.

The pacing of Steven’s story is just fantastic, first comically cut short after Pearl decides on getting a fence, then drawn out to show the complexity of Steven’s relationship with Rose. We’re reminded of his emotional nature through his worry over Amethyst’s safety and an excellent snake joke (one that I doubt Ronaldo would find amusing), showing how unusual his lack of reaction to Rose is. And while Amethyst is down for the count, Pearl and Garnet show two distinct reactions to Rose’s fountain.

Even before they leave the beach, Pearl’s quiet “Before…we had Rose…” is a heartbreaker, and she’s a total mess when they encounter the overgrown fountain. Rose’s Scabbard and the Sardonyx arc add layers of tragic self-loathing to Deedee Magno Hall’s frantic assessment of Rose’s brambles: “They’re a mess without her guidance!

Directionless…pathetic…clinging things!” And when she finally sees Rose’s statue, Pearl sinks from manic to morose.

Garnet carefully lays out Steven’s legacy, telling him what Rose could do without pressuring him too much to do the same. When Pearl’s losing it, Garnet hushes her and uses violence (against a rock) to cope. She’s as disappointed as Pearl when Steven can’t fix things, but internalizes it as she walks away.

It’s only after we see how they feel that we see Steven finally put to words what was hinted at in Lars and the Cool Kids; that he doesn’t know how to miss someone he never met. It’s a somber revelation, joined with the powerful visual of Steven climbing into his mother’s stone arms and the very first appearance of Rose’s Theme (played on piano in the scene). Fun fact: the melody was written not by Aivi and Surasshu, but Rebecca Sugar herself.

The music and Zach Callison’s performance may be great, but neither are responsible for the visual that truly captures Steven’s emotional state as he sees Rose reaching down to him in the water:

It’s easy to take expressions for granted on a cartoon, but the complex sadness of the situation is even stronger here than in Connie’s tearful reaction. More than anything, Steven is confused, and it’s horrible to be confused over an emotion and a relationship that would be so simple in a perfect world.

(This confusing isn’t going away anytime soon. Pink Diamond was complicated.)

Amethyst’s role is similar to Jake’s in Adventure Time episode The Limit, where he magically stretches himself as far as he can in a labyrinth adventure. Her body’s cartoonish shifts are at once funny and frightening, as is her reversed speech (helpfully unreversed here). It’s inherently silly comic relief, but this is the first time a Gem’s life has actually been in danger on the show. We may not see what Amethyst thinks of Rose, but her reckless accident is as true to her character as Pearl and Garnet’s reactions are to theirs.

Steven’s new power isn’t long for this world, and it arrives so close to Ocean Gem that it almost feels too convenient. But it’s easy to forgive the quick turnaround when An Indirect Kiss, like Monster Buddies, bucks the standard power-up plot by putting the ability out of focus compared to the characters and the episode’s individual story. This is episode is about Steven not having powers, turning what could be an inevitability into a twist.

And while we may miss the most important reaction of all—that of Connie’s optometrist—the episode survives.

Future Vision!

Connie’s worry about her glasses is less jokey than it sounds, if Fusion Cuisine is anything to go by.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

An episode about the Crystal Gems and Connie and Rose? This is a prime example of lore intertwining with character, and the perfect coda to Steven’s adventures before Mirror Gem’s revelation.

Top Five

Steven and the Stevens
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
An Indirect Kiss

Like ‘em

Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim

“Tiny hands. My only weakness.”

“Why did Connie have to say I have one mother instead of zero? Or three?”

“I know what the Diamond means.”

“Don’t read into it.”

“Like nothing ever happened.”

“Yeah. With you.”

“Now Greg, there’s no need to be so pathetic.”

“You’re one of them. One of the Crystal Gems.”

“Let—ME—OOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!”

“I’m really feeling it!”

“Tiny hands. My
only weakness.”

“Why did Connie have to say I
have one mother instead of zero? Or three?”

“I know what
the Diamond means.”

**“You’re one of them. One of the Crystal Gems.”**