No, is the answer. This is far from the end of Steven, Universally. But a guy’s gotta build suspense a little.
This is obviously not a blog containing adult material, so it’s easily gonna survive the impending Puritan Inquisition of Tumblr. However, I don’t know what this is going to do to the community at large in terms of nipple effects ripple effects, or frankly how sustainable this platform is going to be. All I wanna do is write about a show I love and share it with folks who might also love the show, and while I hope to continue to do it here, I want to make a backup plan in case I can’t.
So I call upon whoever reads these posts for some advice: where, if anywhere, would be a good place for Steven, Universally to call home if I find the need to move? I’m an old, old man in my late twenties and trust y’all way more than myself to know the best fit. This is hardly to say I’m going anywhere now, but if a transition has to happen I want to to be as smooth as possible and for me to figure out what I’ll be doing before Tumblr burns to the ground. If the time comes to move I’ll obviously move everything (I have the text itself backed up and can arduously transfer all the posts, including pictures and video links, via HTML and busywork if necessary).
To any readers affected by the upcoming changes, you have my sympathies. I literally only use Tumblr to write these reviews, I don’t even follow anybody, so I have no horse in the race of adult content blogs, but it’s garbage that a site that ostensibly already censors adult content to keep things age appropriate is deciding that adults aren’t allowed to produce and consume legal material that in some cases makes up their livelihood. It sucks and I’m sorry it’s happening.
But yeah, either through commenting or messaging, if anyone knows of a good second home for Steven, Universally, I’m all ears. Thanks for reading, and let’s keep this Summer of Steven Winter going!
“Thanks for calling Fish Stew Pizza, we do fries now.”
After a streak of episodes about neglect, mourning, disability, consent, and harassment, I think I’m ready for a goofy one.
Restaurant Wars is the stupidest episode of Steven Universe, and I say that without an ounce of ill will. Bear in mind that I am saying this with the knowledge that Say Uncle exists: non-canon goofs are what they are, but this story takes place in continuity so it is official that Steven once saved the boardwalk by turning his house into a restaurant and making better food than two food professionals. That will never again be a thing that didn’t happen in his life.
From the start, there’s no attempt to hide the silliness. The conflict begins with Fryman and Kofi screaming “RESTAURANT WAR” at each other and cutting to black. The episode is presented in a series of titled vignettes and never stops treating the Fryman/Pizza feud as seriously as a…
…I can’t even finish that sentence, the principal characters here are named Mr. Fryman and Kofi Pizza. We don’t even know Fryman’s first name, and Kofi’s last name is the word “pizza” and he runs a pizza shop. This is so, so, so dumb. I love it.
A huge strength of this series is its ability to balance depth with humor, the big term serialization with the normal daily life of a magical kid. It sometimes swings hard at plotty episodes, but rarely does it swing this far in the opposite direction. I’m not talking about Restaurant Wars being a townie episode, because plenty of townie episodes affect the overall plot and develop important characters. Steven’s connection to humanity is critical to his status as a child of two worlds, so while alien stuff might be neater, there will always be a place for the mundane in the actual plot.
This is a matter of tone, and Restaurant Wars is the tonal opposite of a plot-heavy story that expands the characters and lore. Uncle Grandpa and Log Date 7 15 2 and Kindergarten Kid have a similar devotion to comedy, but we still get arcs for the characters within them. Nobody grows in Restaurant Wars. The conflict’s resolution is about returning to the status quo we saw at the beginning of the episode, not moving forward or learning critical information. Literally the only consequence is that Ronaldo gets dumped by a girlfriend we didn’t even know he had until moments before it happens, which is just deliciously cruel.
This might actually be my favorite Ronaldo episode, if I’m including episodes featuring him on top of episodes where he’s the focus: it’s not that I revel in watching him suffer (not fully, anyway), but Zachary Steel is really good at making that suffering funny, from his furious “Do you know how much BLOGGING I haven’t been able to do!?” to lasting despair after his surprisingly real girlfriend breaks up with him. It’s a welcome change of pace from his smug buffoonery, and it’s such a surprising and mean joke for the episode to end without throwing him a single bone. This subplot alone is worth the price of admission.
The breakup, like everything else in the episode, borrows its tone from the cheesiest anime melodrama anyone could ask for. There may be a reference to a more specific show, but I’m frankly not huge on slice of life anime, and despite how much I love writing about Steven Universe I draw a line at doing extensive research about friggin’ Restaurant Wars. Regardless, we get the drawn-out gasps, the kabuki emoting, the dramatic camera flashes, the works. It’s not just anime stuff—the vignette titles evoke the sort of Ken Burns parody you’d see in a show like Community, let nobody say Lamar Abrams and Katie Mitroff don’t have eclectic comedy tastes
—but even a casual like me can see the Japanese influence here.
This is the sort of episode that only works every once in a while, because it’s so much compared to the general mood of the series. I fully understand anyone who hates Restaurant Wars, because it’s really different and nothing happens and it’s unbelievably stupid. But dammit, I can’t stay mad at it. Its timing is perfect, in the middle of a stretch of Beach City episodes that have been varying levels of stressful. It’s not interrupting anything or wasting your time for a second by pretending to be anything it’s not. The crew just wanted to tell a stupid story about grown men feuding over who gets to make what food, and that’s okay.
It helps that we get a better look at Fryman and Kofi, two adults that Steven understandably doesn’t hang out with very often. We already know Kofi has a temper, but Fryman until now has been defined by his gruff acceptance of how weird the world around him is, and it’s fantastic to see him revved up. My favorite joke of the episode has Steven explain that Fryman’s supposed to do fries by acknowledging his name and absurd hair, only for Fryman to apparently not realize his hair is shaped like fries. These ridiculous names and his ridiculous character design already exist, so they might as well be used for a ridiculous story.
To be clear, this better look doesn’t actually mean much for their characters, because in a normal episode I doubt Kofi would try branding people with an iron. Again, this isn’t an story about growing, so at best we understand by the end of it that these two take their jobs seriously, but that’s something we already knew. Perhaps it would be funnier to use more established characters for something this zany, but I think we benefit from the flexibility that comes with relative blank slates: Restaurant Wars was never going to be believable, but it would be even less believable if people we knew acted this out of character.
Their kids get a nice amount of focus as well. I love finally seeing Jenny and Kiki hang out with Ronaldo and Peedee, even in this situation. I get why they wouldn’t normally interact, as Peedee is an anxious kid and Ronaldo is Ronaldo, but these are neighboring families that each have two siblings who work in their dads’ food shops. Add in the fact that both families seem to have single fathers (although Jenny and Kiki are lucky enough to have the world’s greatest Gunga), and the Frymans and Pizzas have a lot in common.
Unlike their parents, we get grounded character moments here that show these four probably have some history together. The highlight is Jenny stage whispering her doubt about Ronaldo’s girlfriend to Peedee, who immediately agrees; these are people who are able to stand the guy enough to hang out with him, but know he’s usually full of it. Jenny gets a sweet moment supporting Kiki, and Kiki’s people-pleasing attitude might be “helpful” here, but her focus on the needs of others above her own will be addressed in our very next episode.
There’s really nothing else to talk about in an outing like Restaurant Wars,but I have two stray thoughts for this stray episode. First, I’m glad it happened after Greg got rich, because even if it’s not mentioned it at least adds some realism into the conversion of Steven’s home. Second, I’m baffled by the pairing of the mundane pizza bagel with the revolutionary fries filled with ketchup, but I’m not exactly gonna be taken out of the moment by a strange plot point here. I’m glad I live in a world where this episode exists. But I’ll also be glad to get back to the actual show.
We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
This is by no means a favorite, and it’s not an episode I’m ever gonna rewatch outside of a binge or for reviewing purposes, but come on. It’s not hurting anybody.
Top Fifteen
Steven and the Stevens
Hit the Diamond
Mirror Gem
Lion 3: Straight to Video
Alone Together
The Return
Jailbreak
The Answer
Sworn to the Sword
Rose’s Scabbard
Mr. Greg
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Beach City Drift
Winter Forecast
Love ‘em
Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Ocean Gem
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe
Warp Tour
The Test
Future Vision
On the Run
Maximum Capacity
Marble Madness
The Message
Political Power
Full Disclosure
Joy Ride
Keeping It Together
We Need to Talk
Chille Tid
Cry for Help
Keystone Motel
Catch and Release
When It Rains
Back to the Barn
Steven’s Birthday
It Could’ve Been Great
Message Received
Log Date 7 15 2
Same Old World
The New Lars
Like ‘em
Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird
Watermelon Steven
Open Book
Story for Steven
Shirt Club
Love Letters
Reformed
Rising Tides, Crashing Skies
Onion Friend
Historical Friction
Friend Ship
Nightmare Hospital
Too Far
Barn Mates
Steven Floats
Drop Beat Dad
Too Short to Ride
Restaurant Wars
Enh
Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team
Say Uncle
Super Watermelon Island
Gem Drill
No Thanks!
5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure
Weird fact: I became a fan of the webcomic Homestuck within three days of becoming aware of Rebecca Sugar.
On Friday, October 8th, 2010, my best friend finally convinced me to read MS Paint Adventures, and I went in hard to catch all the way up over the weekend; for reference to those who’ve read it, Hivebent had recently ended so said friend needed someone to talk to about it. I never got into the fandom, instead pretty much exclusively geeking out and theorizing with my bud, but I did leave the slightest of marks by being responsible for Sollux Captor’s canonical full name, Solluxander, so that’s nice.
I know the exact day because It Came From the Nightosphere premiered the Monday after that weekend, and a little research shows that was October 11th, 2010. I vividly remember watching it and realizing how lucky I was to be a huge nerd in a world where Homestuck and Adventure Time were both a thing. And I remember just as vividly watching the opening credits and thinking “there is no way this children’s show animator is actually named Sugar.”
Memory lane aside, I recently finished rereading Homestuck for the first time since it finished in 2016, and as a cooldown from a solid month of inundating myself in its lore (and because I wanted to goof around rather than sit down and write a review this week what with American Thanksgiving travel) I decided to bestow Sburbian classes and aspects to the cast of Steven Universe. With the bonus challenge of not repeating any class or aspect for the twelve chosen characters. Surprise, the guy who writes weekly reviews of a cartoon is kind of a dork.
There are gonna be spoilers for Steven Universe and Homestuck here (the former a bit more than the latter). If you’re not into Homestuck this likely won’t do much for you, and if you’re into Homestuck but not into Steven Universe this is equally unlikely to do much for you, but if you’re into both, hoo boy.
Because I don’t half-ass it when I go full nerd, I’m including a reference for my interpretation of what each class does (because there’s no canonical definition for most classes). Aspects are defined here. If you’ve never read Homestuck, it’s incredibly dense and over 8000 pages long but is one of the best things I’ve ever read, and I’m literally a librarian. If you’ve never watched Steven Universe and wandered over here because of tags or something, give it a watch, because it’s one of the best things I’ve ever watched and I literally work in children’s media. Either way, we’ll be back with regular reviews next week!
Steven: The Heir of Blood
Steven could be defined by any number of aspects: the do-gooder
conviction of Hope, the healing nature of Life, the free spirit of Breath, the identity
introspection of Heart, all of these could work. But more than anything else,
Steven is defined by his ability to bring people together. He values being part
of a team and sees virtually everyone as a potential friend. When he sees fighting,
he’s the first to try and resolve it, and gets frustrated when he’s unable to
do anything to help. His powers come from his emotions, but his emotions come
from his ties to his family and community. He’s a child of two worlds and gains strength from his bonds to both.
It’s tempting to classify our growing hero as a Page, but
his innate magnetism and series-wide ability to help people makes him far more
fitting as an Heir; it takes a while for certain powers to develop, but his
empathy isn’t one of them. Steven is the literal heir of two legacies—a
mystical Gem warrior and a mundane human musician—and by simply existing he
embodies unity. He’s a natural leader despite not being sure of himself,
inspiring others to act by sheer force of personality.
Rose Quartz: The Thief of Breath
Rose’s connection with Steven makes their opposing aspects
fascinating. Breath is the aspect of freedom and flexibility, and is often associated
with leaders in the same way Blood is. However, Breath players are more
whimsical and individualistic compared to the group-focused nature of Blood, leading
incidentally and prioritizing freedom to a degree that, if left unchecked, can
lead to selfishness.
As a Thief, Rose initially lacks her aspect, and indeed feels
overwhelmed by the bonds of her duty as Pink Diamond. She has to “steal”
freedom by taking another identity; while she also takes freedom for others, a
sign of the more passive Rogue class, this sharing is a byproduct of her
initial goal to help herself. Rose’s nuanced fulfillment on her role can be
seen in a nutshell in her relationship with Pearl: for better and worse, she
takes Pearl’s Breath away. Pearl gains the benefits of Pink’s freedom from Gem society but remains bound to Rose for millennia, and has her freedom to speak of certain
secrets stolen even after Rose’s death. Rose is neither a saint nor a monster, but an
unready leader who got in over her head at the prospect of living free.
Greg: The Bard of Void
Greg may be a musician, but his Bard classification comes more
from being the ultimate wildcard to Gem society. Nobody would have
expected a human to change the course of Gem history so quickly and thoroughly,
and these hidden depths are a staple of both Bards and Void players. Greg
represents an enticing unknown, especially to Rose, and as such invites Void to
destroy the Gems’ longstanding status quo. He also invites the destruction of Void
by prompting Steven’s existence, which subsequently unravels Rose’s many
secrets. Even Greg himself is likely unaware of his immense influence, which is
the perfect attitude for such a passive Void player.
Ruby: The Rogue of Time
Ruby is impulsive and unable to let sleeping
dogs lie, and will fight fate itself to do what she thinks is right: in short,
a typical Time player, down to her association with fire. As a Rogue, she can
change the future not only for herself, but for Sapphire (and by extension, the
Crystal Gems as a whole), stealing the certainty of Time to give her team the confidence to change the future.
She shares a Rogue’s tendency to put others so highly above herself that it
harms her self-image, and needs friends and loved ones that reassure her of her
worth.
Sapphire: The Seer of Mind
Sapphire’s role may seem obvious, even boring:
of course she’s a Seer, she’s literally a seer, and her ability to vividly
predict the logical outcomes of events makes her a shoo-in for a player of
Mind. But I’d say the ease at which her role is predicted is perfect for a
character defined by seeing things coming. She’s worth comparing to Terezi Pyrope, Homestuck’s Seer of Mind (and the only canon class getting repped on this list) to see how individuals
can vary even with the same role. Terezi is manipulative and, well, trolly, but
despite her ability to play several steps ahead she’s wracked with regret and indecision as her powers develop. Sapphire is passive and distant, and a far more confident
prophet, to the point where she can get too sure of one future to see
other possibilities. Both have people problems, but Terezi leans meaner and Sapphire leans icier.
Garnet: The Seer of Time
I think it makes sense for close cross-Gem fusions to combine the classes and aspects from the beings that create them, so Garnet takes her class from Sapphire and her aspect from Ruby.
Garnet is the perfect blend of Ruby and Sapphire, and as a Seer
of Time can foresee a vast expanse of timelines with ease, knowing all the while how easily they can be changed. As a Seer, she uses
this knowledge primarily to help and lead others, but as a Time player, she’s particularly active and is more than capable of getting her gauntlets dirty.
Her mastery of Time lets her play out many scenarios and attempt to pick the
best outcome, and gives the illusion of lightning-fast reflexes; this isn’t to
say her reflexes aren’t good on their own, but it’s easy to react to something
you know is coming. As with any Seer, her vision isn’t absolute, but her
future-oriented aspect combines with her predictive class to make her a potent prognosticator.
Amethyst: The Witch of Heart
More than any other Crystal Gem, Amethyst is obsessed with
herself. This isn’t simply to say she’s selfish (although certainly she can
be), but that she feels a pressing need to define herself to herself and to
others. She was created to be a warrior, but has a body far smaller and weaker
than average and must overcome the angst caused by this difference between who she
allegedly should be and who she is. She also straddles the line between alien
and earthling, as someone with an extraterrestrial background who has always called Earth home: she’s far more comfortable engaging with human customs than Garnet or Pearl, while simultaneously being more comfortable using her Gem powers just to goof
off. While her focus on her own issues can make her blind to the needs of
others at worst, at best it helps her empathize with her friends and strive to
help them with their own self-image problems. This level of introspection is what you would expect from a Heart
player.
As a Witch, Amethyst has continually shown her aptitude for manipulating
Heart, most obviously in her affinity for shapeshifting. While it’s often used
as a way to avoid introspection, rebelling against her aspect, Amethyst’s fluid
form is also a way to expand the notion of what “herself” even is. She displays a Witch’s signature loopiness and creative approach to problems, often presenting unusual solutions to help her friends understand themselves more clearly. By coming to terms with who she is and what her limits are, she learns to bypass these limits with workarounds.
Pearl: The Knight of Light
Sapphire and Garnet may foretell the future,
and Peridot may have a knack for logic and machines, but Pearl is the most
intellectual Crystal Gem. She seeks and absorbs information like a sponge and
combines it with millennia of experience to tremendous tactical effect. She’s
frustrated by secrets, and is devastated when deceived by those she trusts and
loves (not that this stops her from the occasional bout of deception, nobody’s
perfect). Her affinity for facts doesn’t make her an unfeeling machine of
logic; far from it, she’s defined by particularly intense emotions, both
positive and negative. She is, like almost any Light player, a nerd: she
passionately and sometimes obsessively longs to know everything about her
interests, and wants to make sure everyone else knows it.
As a Knight, Pearl quickly reorients her servile caste to become
a fierce protector. From the start her service was marked by knowledge, and she
protected Pink Diamond with fresh ideas and fast thinking. She gained combat
prowess not through instinct, but education, and as such is an expert in weapons
beyond her signature spear. It’s an understatement to simply call her
self-sacrificial, as she often puts the safety of her loved ones at such a high
priority that she needs to be reminded of her own value. As is common to
Knights, her loud confidence in her mastery of her aspect (in this case, her
intellect) hides secret insecurity over her worthiness to wield it, and her
growth requires her to balance these two extremes.
Connie: The Mage of Hope
Connie is defined by high intelligence and
strong convictions, which is an ideal combination for an effective Hope player.
While she’s a regular human, her love of fantasy stories became real not only
through her friendship with Steven, but her own hard work; nowadays, she’s the
most magical pure human alive. Her intense power of belief makes amazing things
possible, and even without fusing she’s able to hold her own against much
stronger opponents than anyone could have expected. She has a firm sense of
what’s right, and isn’t afraid to call out Steven, her mother, or even herself
when she feels that a wrong has been committed
As a Mage, Connie began as a loner, focusing
on her aspect by reading and dreaming. As soon as she gets the chance she
applies herself to join Steven’s magical world, fighting alongside him even
without training when the ocean is stolen and soon becoming a swordswoman to
live her dream. She welcomes new opportunities such as fusion without
hesitation, following her instinctive understanding of Hope. While she’s more
of a team player than a typical Mage, she has her class’s signature independent
streak (see again: calling out Steven) and is known to get lost in her thoughts.
Her fantasy life may come from her connections to others, but her
thoughtfulness and strong convictions come from within and have guided her
every step of the way.
Stevonnie: The Mage of Blood
If a Mage is a player who uses deep understanding of their aspect to direct their own actions, and Blood is the aspect of creating strong bonds, then combining the two makes a player personally guided by their understanding of unity. Stevonnie embodies the bond of two people in a deeply individual and unique way, which may define fusions as a whole, but particularly works for the fusion of a human and a Gem. As Stevonnie, Steven and Connie have each other, and are empowered by their tight bond, but nobody else truly understands their experience. They’re alone together.
Peridot: The Page of Space
Peridot is a creator. She’s a Kindergartener responsible for
making new Gems, which alone aligns her with the core duties of a Hero of
Space. However, she’s also a whiz at constructing machines, dabbles in art meepmorps, and grows plants with her literal green thumb. Like most Space
players, she gathers knowledge from beyond the stars to gain an information
advantage over other players, but her slow-burning class and natural
irritability inhibits her from sharing this data with her team in a meaningful
way for quite a while.
As a Page, Peridot’s journey towards self-realization is long
and slow, and requires the help of others to guide her path. She initially
shows no signs of individuality, following orders like a worker bee for
Homeworld; she’s a cog in the machine, rather than a true maker, Only when she
joins the Crystal Gems does she gradually come into her own, with her
creativity evolving from practical machines to artistic representation to
organic life. While initially appearing to have no traditional powers, she
discovers through the intervention of others that she can manipulate certain
objects in space, but even this process is slow and takes work. If she ever meets
her full potential, Peridot’s abilities will be a sight to see.
Lapis Lazuli: The Maid of Doom
Doom is the aspect of sufferers, so…yeah, that’s Lapis. Captured
under false premises, interrogated for information she didn’t have, broken and
left behind on a foreign planet, and trapped for thousands of years, only to
find a scary and unfamiliar world when she was finally released. Not much else
to say, this is a blatant case of Doom.
While her physical strength is around average for a Gem, Lapis’s
total mastery of water makes her perhaps the most powerful being on Earth, and
she’s shown a willingness to use it to bestow Doom in a manner befitting a Maid
(and, like we’ve seen in other Maids, learns this skill after withstanding
major ordeals). Whether it’s stealing the ocean away, fusing with Jasper to form
a terrifying monster, or abandoning her friends when the going gets rough,
Lapis actively causes suffering. This direct application of her aspect makes it
difficult for the empathy typical of a Doom player to shine, but that doesn’t
mean it isn’t there: she forms a tight connection with Steven for befriending
her, and with Peridot for their mutual situation as Homeworld fugitives.
Bismuth: The Sylph of Rage
Bismuth is a rebel among rebels. Her loyalty
is to truth and freedom from oppressive institutions, and she has little room
for anything short of absolute devotion to this cause. These are the tenets of
a classic Rage player, willing to tear everything down to make a better world,
even if that means fighting against your own leaders upon sensing insincerity
or lack of conviction. She’s a stubborn revolutionary, but that doesn’t mean
she’s incapable of friendship or some nuance, as her team-oriented class
mitigates her one-track aspect.
As a Sylph, Bismuth encourages the development
of Rage in others. She pushes her friends to join her rebellious mindset and
topple oppression wherever it rears its head. She does this not only with
rousing speeches but the creation and refining of weaponry for her allies in
hopes of furthering the cause. A more individualistic class might lead to an even more
extreme revolutionary who’s fine working solo, so fortunately Bismuth’s
alignment keeps her from getting too absolutist in her zeal.
Jasper: The Prince of Life
(Princess if you wanna get
technical and bisyllabic)
Jasper was fighting from the moment she was born, hell-bent on
defeating those that would prevent the continuation of Life for Gems. However,
this meant her goal was destroying Life for organics, as the nature of Gem
reproduction meant it was impossible for both to continue on Earth. Life as a
game construct also relates to “the betterment of themselves and those around
them,” which Jasper certainly lives by, but she’s also willing to destroy
herself and those around her through toxic fusion. She thus fulfills both
interpretations of a Prince player, using Life to destroy as well as destroying
Life. Through her destruction of Life qualities, Jasper superficially resembles
a Doom player in the same way a Prince of Heart might resemble a Mind player: Jasper
makes everyone, herself included, suffer. This is perhaps what draws her to
Lapis, herself a clear-cut Doom player.
As a bonus for folks I don’t wanna do full write-ups for and/or am not as sure about, I’d say Yellow Diamond is a Prince of Mind, Blue Diamond is a Sylph of Heart, Lars is a Page of Life, Sadie is a Page of Heart, and Ronaldo is another Mage of Hope (who is really bad at the game).
This is a hard episode for me to write about, and not just because it’s a tough subject. Beach City Drift is very much about the aftermath of public sexual harassment, the likes of which I as a cisgender hetero dude have never and likely will never endure. I’ve got way too many stories from family and friends about getting creeped on, and social media has allowed the stories of strangers to spread as well, and I live in New York City so creeps aren’t a shocking thing to see, particularly in public transit. But it would be garbage for me to pretend any of that means my privileged ass knows what it’s like to feel the brunt of it.
I can only relate to the more general sensation of righteous but powerless anger that I have experienced, and it’s telling that my reaction is historically closer to Steven’s than Connie’s. Steven Universe defies gender stereotypes left and right, but it’s wise to not throw the baby out with the bathwater and pretend that we don’t live in a gendered society that conditions certain behavioral differences. Steven is more comfortable loudly expressing his rage than Connie, who’s just as mad but far quieter about it, because society doesn’t like it when girls or women are openly angry.
What’s even more unfortunate is that if Connie were a real girl of thirteen, she would in all likelihood be familiar with creeps already. And she likely would have already learned to some degree that the world isn’t gonna help her much with creeps, leaving a bitter sense of acceptance that creeps aren’t going anywhere; it’s hard to get as worked up as Steven when it’s not a novel experience. This is something that plenty of readers already know (and I’m sure they’re thrilled to finally hear a man explaining sexual harassment: you’re welcome, ladies!), but my point is this is something I had to actively learn about later in life because I was born in the type of body that’s way less likely to be creeped on, and is nearly never creeped on publicly. So yeah, this is a hard episode for me to write about.
In lieu of pretending I’m able to fully relate to Stevonnie, I’ll say that allies should look to Greg for guidance. It warms my soul to see his simple, direct reaction to his son’s outburst after learning about how Kevin treated Stevonnie in Alone Together. He doesn’t question the account, or even pry, but instead implicitly lets his kid off the hook by admitting didn’t know the context, then explicitly expresses sympathy. No huge showy sentiments that overwhelm and overshadow Stevonnie’s story, no one-upsmanship or attempt to relate to something he hasn’t experienced, no assurance that he would’ve done something if he was there, just a quick but sincere “I’m really sorry” that conveys absolute trust and alliance. It’s not about Greg, and Greg doesn’t try to make it about Greg. Be like Greg.
I wouldn’t suggest following it up with Greg’s advice unless the person telling you their story is your child: paternal advice becomes patronizing advice when you don’t have that kind of relationship. It’s the most frustrating kind of advice, the kind that’s correct but difficult to follow. Yeah, the best course of action is to not let bygone creeps have power over you by obsessing over them, but it’s pretty much impossible to outlogic an emotional reaction to a horrible person. Greg’s routine of just saying what an episode’s lesson is doesn’t mean it’s that simple for Steven, Connie, and Stevonnie to learn it.
Fortunately for everyone, they learn it by street racing, because surprise this is a Fast and the Furious episode. Complete with the absurd ability for people in different cars to talk to each other in normal speaking voices without phones.
It’s been 52 episodes since our last major Stevonnie appearance (given their cameo in We Need to Talk), which remains the character’s longest gap from the spotlight; for context, there were only 37 episodes between the series premiere and Alone Together. So I love that their return is not only fueled by a plot that understands the gravity of Kevin’s shittiness, but takes advantage of Steven and Connie getting older and dealing with older kid issues, and uses Stevonnie to tell a story involving older kid activities like driving. Would I have liked to see them racing with Greg’s van? Of course. But no episode is perfect.
The race is preceded by a nice one-two punch of characterization from Kevin: he’s won every race so far, and nobody’s happy about it because he’s not so much a tool as a whole toolbox. Remember, part of the lesson here for growing kids is to not act like Kevin, so it’s crucial to show time and again that despite his various skills he’s universally reviled by our cast for his behavior.
The townie teens are rooting for Stevonnie, but Jenny and Ronaldo are the only ones who talk; it’d be nice to see more, but we’re on a tight schedule and they’re not the focus, so I’m glad Zuke’n’Florido picked the two best teens for the job. Jenny’s the only Cool Kid we’ve seen drive, and she’s a rebel with stress to burn, so it makes sense that she gets more attention. This allows her a great little moment during the race where her instinct is to help Stevonnie when their car stops: just like when she jumps between Garnet’s fist and Steven’s pod in Joy Ride, she shows a lot of heart for a self-described “evil twin.” And Ronaldo, on top of providing geeky self-important exposition about Stevonnie’s car, helps put Kevin in perspective: Ronnie’s an annoying character, but next to such a monstrous douchebag he’s practically a saint.
The race itself would be nonstop goofy fun if not for the underlying context, so instead its madcap drifting helps soften an otherwise tense situation, and puts Kevin and Stevonnie at a safe distance as they talk. I’m into Stevonnie losing their cool before the race even starts, but trying to make sense of Kevin’s behavior after the initial rage cools: anger might be driving their actions, but they aren’t completely blinded by it. And it of course leads to the terrific bait-and-switch of Kevin’s fictional sick brother, which simultaneously shows Stevonnie’s ability to extend sympathy and Kevin’s refreshing lack of origin story.
It’s a slippery slope to assign fixed moral alignment based on behavior, so I’m not gonna say something as black and white as “some people are just good and some people are just bad,” but I am fine saying “some people are just assholes.” Not every jerk has a concrete impetus for their behavior. Sure, it’s likely due to how they were raised in some way, but some jerks are jerks because they enjoy being jerks. Kevin’s a troll, and while it’s important to try and reach out and communicate when you think you can reach someone, it’s also important for kids to realize that some people are better off ignored. Fighting isn’t the answer, but brushing someone off isn’t fighting.
Stevonnie’s realization that they are a bit obsessed comes in the best possible format: an inner dialogue that’s able to be expressed externally because Steven and Connie are both Stevonnie. It’s up to us as individuals to decide how we’re going to react to toxicity, so while Greg having their back is important, this is something Steven and Connie have to figure out on their own. There’s no doubt in my mind that AJ Michalka could pull off such a conversation by herself, but it’s just plain elegant to see Stevonnie contemplate their actions by splitting them into their two halves to hash things out. It’s not an easy conversation, but when it’s over, Stevonnie is finally at peace.
It’s perhaps a little neat that they’re only able to “get” Kevin by letting the conflict go, passing on the obsession baton. But it’s not unrealistic for a troll to get worked up over someone not playing their game, and it’s so damn satisfying that I don’t really care how on the nose it is. Stevonnie’s real reward is enjoying their evening without letting Kevin taint it, but making the dirtbag mad is a nice bonus for those of us with a little more trouble quelling our vindictive streaks.
If it wasn’t clear, I love this episode. That a thoughtful episode about the aftermath of harassment happens to be great even beyond this message puts Beach City Drift pretty high up there on my list. Even beyond the general story, there are so many details to love. I love that Connie’s wearing the jacket Doug wore to Fusion Cuisine, and that it’s incorporated into Stevonnie’s new look. I love that magic is so ingrained in this society that Kevin, for all his faults, is completely matter-of-fact when remembering that Stevonnie is made of two kids mystically fused together. I love that this is our third episode in a row that Greg’s been wealthy and it’s still only used to grease the wheels of the plot; it’s important enough to mention, but not important enough to change the direction of the series. And I love that Greg’s description of the time before Steven and Connie were alive amounts to frosted tips, mood rings, and slap bracelets.
Like Alone Together, this episode approaches content that virtually no other kid’s show is exploring, because it’s hard to talk about the truly shitty things that too many kids go through. It’s terrible that kids have to deal with creeps, but children’s media is devoid of stories about it, largely because it makes adults really uncomfortable. And it should make adults uncomfortable, it’s a really uncomfortable subject, but that’s all the more reason to give kids tools to help them with it. Kids aren’t dumb, and they’re growing up faster than ever in the technological age (god I sound old), so thank goodness for shows like Steven Universe that actually take kids seriously.
I’ve never been to this…how do you say…school?
The main promo image, and one of my favorites. Yes, Steven and Connie shouldn’t be in the same picture of Stevonnie, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that Ronaldo and Lapis are hanging out in this alt universe. I’d like to think he lets her borrow his scooter sometimes.
Future Vision!
Unless I’m mistaken, this is the first time we see the ticket clerk from Lion 2 since, well, Lion 2. In just one episode, we’ll find out why she was hanging out with Ronaldo et al.
Florido’n’Zuke aren’t done putting the Dondai to work: Pearl will be racing against the fuzz soon (but not soon enough) in Last Stop Out of Beach City.
We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
I mean yeah, not a shocker that this makes my top fifteen.
Top Fifteen
Steven and the Stevens
Hit the Diamond
Mirror Gem
Lion 3: Straight to Video
Alone Together
The Return
Jailbreak
The Answer
Sworn to the Sword
Rose’s Scabbard
Mr. Greg
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Beach City Drift
Winter Forecast
Love ‘em
Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Ocean Gem
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe
Warp Tour
The Test
Future Vision
On the Run
Maximum Capacity
Marble Madness
The Message
Political Power
Full Disclosure
Joy Ride
Keeping It Together
We Need to Talk
Chille Tid
Cry for Help
Keystone Motel
Catch and Release
When It Rains
Back to the Barn
Steven’s Birthday
It Could’ve Been Great
Message Received
Log Date 7 15 2
Same Old World
The New Lars
Like ‘em
Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird
Watermelon Steven
Open Book
Story for Steven
Shirt Club
Love Letters
Reformed
Rising Tides, Crashing Skies
Onion Friend
Historical Friction
Friend Ship
Nightmare Hospital
Too Far
Barn Mates
Steven Floats
Drop Beat Dad
Too Short to Ride
Enh
Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team
Say Uncle
Super Watermelon Island
Gem Drill
No Thanks!
5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure
“This looks weird, but don’t jump to conclusions.”
Island Adventure is my lowest-ranked episode of the series, but it’s not my least favorite. All in all, I actually enjoy watching it. The problem, as I explain in greater depth in the review, is that it conveys a horrible message about consent in teen relationships and lionizes Sadie for a bevy of abusive actions, ranging from emotional manipulation to physical assault. And that makes it worse to me than an episode that I just don’t like watching. This is a kid’s show, and it’s not great for a kid’s show to espouse harmful message to kids, particularly when consent is such an important issue in the real world and in Steven Universe.
The New Lars isn’t nearly as bad, but it’s important to compare the two up front, because both of them rely on the same conceit: Lars is a jerk, so it’s okay when bad things happen to him. The tricky thing is that seeing jerks get their comeuppance is an essential trope in comedy, so it should be okay for bad things to happen to him, but this is the second time that “bad things” involve ignoring Lars’s consent. There are fantastical elements to both shows, but the idea that it’s sometimes okay to force people to do things that they explicitly don’t want to do hits a bit closer to home than, say, getting hit by a falling anvil. Both episodes are from Raven Molisee and Paul Villeco, two extremely talented animators who I usually love (they did Mirror Gem and Rose’s Scabbard for Pete’s sake), and I wish I could get into their heads just to figure out why they’re so into abusing Lars in a way that evokes actual abuse.
Fortunately a lot of my problems with Island Adventure aren’t present in The New Lars. We get a crucial slippery slope element to Steven’s behavior that Sadie’s early-episode subterfuge (we learn that she hid their only way off the island immediately after arriving) doesn’t grant: yes, he’s prying a bit too much into Lars and Sadie’s relationship in the first scene, but as soon as he mind swaps he states his determination to “respect Lars’s body and his privacy.” His good nature is his undoing, as he’s unable to play it cruel with Lars’s terrified parents or play it cool with Buck and pals. And it makes sense after seeing positive reactions for following his gut that he takes it over the edge to try and meddle in Lars’s love life. It’s not right, but it makes sense.
(It requires a Steven from a different era of emotional immaturity as well, but this team also did Sadie’s Song so I’ll count their restraint here as a victory.)
((Bear in mind that they also did Warp Tour and The Return and Keeping It Together and Message Received in case y’all think I’m just gonna sit here and pretend Molisee’n’Villeco aren’t amazing.))
Most importantly, Steven actually apologizes for his actions. If Sadie had shown an ounce of real remorse in Island Adventure, all would be well. The issue isn’t characters behaving badly, because this show would be super boring if everyone was perfect. It’s not acknowledging bad behavior, and even rewarding it while piling on the victim of it. This episode knows that Lars is the victim and that Steven did a bad thing, even if he had good intentions, and in doing so teaches a lesson about consent instead of showing abusive behavior and shrugging it off.
It’s notable that Steven never does anything like this again. Just three episodes later in Kiki’s Delivery Service he accidentally enters Kiki’s dreams and is immediately flustered and apologetic upon realizing it despite doing nothing remotely harmful. The best way to make lessons stick is for the characters themselves to learn them.
And it turns out, a story about how Lars is treated is exactly what I needed. Because after nearly ninety episodes of the series, this is the first time I’ve actually liked Lars as a character. For the whole episode. I’ve always felt something was missing from his generic meanness, but everything clicked when I realized that the self-awareness that fuels his awkwardness is only a small part of his problem: he’s too aware of his status as a side character to be happy.
When Mayor Dewey acknowledges that Beach City is a magnet for disaster in Political Power, it’s a great gag that reveals hidden depths about the character. Lars’s bitter “Every day in Beach City is weird, that’s why I hate it here” is similarly revelatory, but about a character we’ve seen much more of. Lars has been the brunt of weird suffocating plants, a weird mouth-burning prank, a weird island trip complete with weird monster, a weird haunted lighthouse, and now a weird body hijacking. He’s also witnessed the ocean weirdly disappearing and Beach City under siege from a weird space eye and a weird space hand, alongside who knows what else. And the kid who’s always bugging him to hang out is himself weird. This weird just took over his body and nearly everyone, including Lars’s own parents, took the kid’s side. Of course Lars sees magic through a sour lens.
It’s so much easier to empathize for someone as ornery as Lars when there’s a good reason behind it, and noticing just how lousy life can be when you’re a regular person in a world of magic is a great reason to be ornery. It’s an excellent contrast to his former friend and fellow frustrating character Ronaldo, and allows Lars to actually grow within the context of a magical show. I’m not saying Lars is only irate because of this situation, people can be jerks just because they’re jerks and he’s a jerk in mundane situations, but after so many episodes where he seems to learn something and then goes right back to being a jerk, it’s such a relief to get this kind of depth.
And seriously, thank goodness Matthew Moy is capable of any emotional range after spending so many episodes voicing a jerk. He shows it off a bit when Lars essentially admits he’s depressed in Island Adventure (which would’ve been a better character moment if it went anywhere), but voicing Lars as Steven must have been a blast. Even as a kid, it always bugged me when mindswapped characters switched voice actors, because that’s not how voices physically work and I was a stickler of a kid. Moy shines as an exuberant, doofy, melodramatic invader in his character’s head, to the point where you can tell when Steven is being himself versus when he’s trying to impersonate Lars. That ain’t easy!
On top of this, Moy still shows his practiced mastery of Lars’s crabbiness spectrum. I like his withering asides about Steven interrupting his workday, even though I’m all about deducing the laziest animal (Koala all the way by the way, sleep>slowness on the lazy scale), and I love his reaction upon waking up, where his justifiable fury with Steven is ramped up further by his family and peers backing up the kid. As in Joking Victim, Moy shows off his flair for screams of pure rage, which also ain’t easy on the throat.
What’s doubly nice is that Kate Micucci also gets a showcase of her growing character that isn’t Sadie’s Song. While we wisely avoid to much detail about the exact nature of their relationship (not just because this is a kid’s show, but because it’s none of our business) Sadie is done with Lars’s nonsense, and I love hearing such decisiveness from the Big Donut’s resident wallflower. This episode could have crashed and burned if not for Sadie’s fed up reaction to “Lars” declaring his love for her, and Micucci sells it perfectly while still showing her way around Sadie’s shyness in asking Lars to hang out in the first place.
This is also a great episode for other townies. Onion gets an awesome cameo, and the Barrigas give an excellent first impression as loving but beleaguered parents. But come on, this is one of the all-time best uses of the Cool Kids. Right off the bat, we get definitive proof that they’re not big on Lars, especially Jenny. It’s not shocking that such a jerk would be unwelcome, but it speaks to the group that they keep giving him chances, and that Buck is quick to think the best of Lars when given the opportunity. It’s well-established that these are good kids, considering how awesome they are with Steven, but The New Lars shows that they’re even better than we thought they were. And we get a wonderfully zany off-screen dance competition subplot.
I’ll be honest, I was shocked by how much I liked this episode on rewatch. Season 3′s midsection contains a cluster of episodes that I’ve literally never rewatched since they first aired, so I let a bad first impression shape my views a little too much. At that point in the show I was so done with Lars that I wasn’t willing to give him a chance, but knowing where his story is finally going made me reevaluate it in a way that earlier episodes don’t. Because things do get sort of different for him now after numerous false starts. He’s still gonna be a jerk and make mistakes, but seeing what his friends and family think of him seems to jolt his system in a way Life Lessons with Steven couldn’t.
Knowing where a story is going isn’t enough, though; if it was, I’d like Sadie’s Song a lot more than I do, because I am all in on Sadie Killer and the Suspects. I think I was so against Steven’s actions that they loomed larger than the part where he and the show acknowledge that they were wrong. I rewatched this three times for my review, because I was all primed to dislike it again and want to give episodes like that a fair shot (which, yeah, meant I slogged through Sadie’s Song multiple times, you are welcome), and the apology just makes everything better. I can focus more on the episode’s strengths, which are stronger than they first looked, and appreciate that this is a story about a kid making a mistake and learning from it. I wish Island Adventure had concluded with a similar realization, but I’m thrilled to see a show grow in its storytelling.
We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
Again, this was a surprise. I don’t wanna overcorrect and put it in my Top Fifteen or anything, but man this is more solid than I remember. Goes to show how far hindsight and a solid apology can take a story. If you’re like me and didn’t like The New Lars back when we were lousy with new episodes in the Summer of Steven, give it another chance.
Top Fifteen
Steven and the Stevens
Hit the Diamond
Mirror Gem
Lion 3: Straight to Video
Alone Together
The Return
Jailbreak
The Answer
Sworn to the Sword
Rose’s Scabbard
Mr. Greg
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Winter Forecast
When It Rains
Love ‘em
Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Ocean Gem
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe
Warp Tour
The Test
Future Vision
On the Run
Maximum Capacity
Marble Madness
The Message
Political Power
Full Disclosure
Joy Ride
Keeping It Together
We Need to Talk
Chille Tid
Cry for Help
Keystone Motel
Catch and Release
Back to the Barn
Steven’s Birthday
It Could’ve Been Great
Message Received
Log Date 7 15 2
Same Old World
The New Lars
Like ‘em
Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird
Watermelon Steven
Open Book
Story for Steven
Shirt Club
Love Letters
Reformed
Rising Tides, Crashing Skies
Onion Friend
Historical Friction
Friend Ship
Nightmare Hospital
Too Far
Barn Mates
Steven Floats
Drop Beat Dad
Too Short to Ride
Enh
Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team
Say Uncle
Super Watermelon Island
Gem Drill
No Thanks!
5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure
At a glance, Peridot’s counterpart from the four main Crystal Gems is Pearl. They’re both low-caste Homeworlders who value brains over brawn and are, to Peri-phrase from The New Crystal Gems, “uptight and sensitive.” They’re both capable of coldness, even cruelty, but have fundamentally good hearts. They’re both handy with machinery, leading to a bit of a rivalry, and even have a different sort of rivalry before becoming teammates, as Pearl fixates on finding Peridot during the Week of Sardonyx.
Amethyst is definitely more of a contrast to Peridot, in many of the same ways that she contrasts with Pearl: she’s the slob versus the snob, the native Earthling assimilated into human culture versus the distant Homeworlder seeing Earth through an alien lens. She’s also, in Peridot’s mind, a high ranking elite compared to a lowly worker bee. Back to the Barn is about how Peridot and Pearl are similar, and Too Far is about how Peridot and Amethyst are different, and we could’ve stuck to this characterization for the whole series and it probably would’ve been fine.
Instead, we get Too Short to Ride. By itself, it’s a decent episode about Steven and Amethyst (but mostly Amethyst) helping Peridot see past her limitations. But when viewed alongside Amethyst’s season-ending arc, it becomes the first part of a larger story about two friends navigating a society that diminishes them for their physical disabilities.
I say the society is the issue rather than the disabilities because outside of this society, nothing is actually impeding Peridot or Amethyst. Sure, they’re both smaller than average, Amethyst due to the circumstances of her birth and Peridot due to resource rationing. Amethyst isn’t as physically strong as a typical quartz, and Peridot can’t shapeshift. But they’re only made to feel impeded because of what Gems deem important, and man oh man is that a complicated take for a children’s show to explore.
Especially because the Gem society in question isn’t limited to Homeworld, Amethyst might feel down because of extraterrestrial views on what she should be, but Peridot’s sense of inferiority stems from the actions of two earthlings. Steven and Amethyst are innocent as can be in their use of shapeshifting, but their eventual insistence for Peridot to try and use these powers shows the social dangers of normalizing physical abilities that others might not necessarily share. Even when you mean well, you can hurt people without meaning to if you’re not paying attention.
However, Too Short to Ride has a crucial ingredient to this lesson that all too often goes forgotten: grace. An extremist take on the episode is that Steven and Amethyst are monstrous for not thinking about what their friend needs and for belittling her disability, and because this is a progressive show, I’m sure certain progressive fans might buy into this reading. But while it’s important to be aware of the needs of others, it’s honestly just as important to not demonize folks who make honest mistakes from a place of caring. It sucks, and it’s awkward, but it’s impossible to learn how to be the best friend you can be without stumbles.
If I seem like I’m getting super in the weeds on the lesson, it’s because this is the episode where we first see Peridot tweeting cheeping, which makes me think of the brilliant writing of Jesse Zuke (credited as Lauren), which unfortunately makes me also think of how certain elements of the Steven Universe fandom are more interested in biting people’s heads off at any hint of ideological impurity than they are in treating people with grace. So yeah. Please be patient, and please be kind.
Anyway, major factor in this episode’s success is that, as is typical of Steven Universe, the larger lesson is grounded in terrific characters. Peridot’s disability is something we’ve never talked about, but her explanation of why peridots of her era can’t shapeshift lends new weight to her outburst at Yellow Diamond, who dismissed the importance of potential resources to a Gem whose life has been directly affected by low resources. The revelation also makes her attachment to robotic limbs more compelling while rewatching her villainous past episodes. This isn’t a cheap trick, it’s integrated into who she is and makes her a better character. (This is why I don’t like House Guest or Fusion Cuisine or Sadie’s Song. Consistent characterization is everything.)
Peridot’s story here enhances her past, but Amethyst’s role is itself enhanced by her future: it is fascinating to listen to Amethyst’s climactic speech after watching Earthlings. She tells Peridot that it’s unhealthy to focus so hard on what she can’t do versus what she can, which is good advice, but it turns out she’s incapable of following it herself. These are two Gems who see themselves as too small and too weak to be useful, and express this by lashing out in anger because they’re too embarrassed to be honest about their feelings. But Amethyst demonstrates here that some part of her knows that her obsessive need to prove herself in her season-ending arc is harmful, which makes it that much sadder that she obsesses anyway.
This strangely feels like a townie episode, even though Peridot is by nobody’s definition a townie. A major factor is the Funland setting, complete with the most Mr. Smiley we’ve ever seen in one sitting. Another is that even though Peridot is a Crystal Gem now, she’s living off-site with an unaligned Gem roommate and popping in for occasional adventures rather than being a regular presence in the style of our four leads. Add references to hand-specific shapeshifting from Cat Fingers and
Steven’s “lifetime” ban from Serious Steven, and Too Short to Ride starts bringing some early episode nostalgia.
However, the show has evolved past some of the early episode flaws that once held it back. Gone is the directionless pacing of Cat Fingers or the Annoying Steven of Serious Steven, and good riddance to both. The pacing does meander, especially during the multiple scenes of Steven and Amethyst shapeshifting long after we’ve gotten the point (they’re having fun and Peridot isn’t), but I’m fine with the mood that this elongated setup brings. Peridot doesn’t just feel left out, she’s bored, and while I don’t think the intention is to bore the audience, after watching the episode a few times it’s nice to see that a character is as interested at getting to the point already as I am.
The opening sequence shows a Peridot that’s chipper, curious, and cute (she has a ribbon in her hair because she’s a gift to the world), but not without her trademark arrogance or hyperliteral worldview. It’s important to see her in such a good mood, excited both to receive her gift and to show it off to Amethyst, because otherwise it wouldn’t be notable that the show’s resident fussbudget is making a fuss at Funland. There’s still efficient storytelling here despite the slow-moving second act.
It’s also cool to see modern gadgets and social media in a cartoon in a way that’s central to the plot. Children’s media about modern times are largely developed by people who were children a few decades prior, so it’s taken a while for tech to be meaningfully implemented into stories written for the first tech-native generation. Steven Universe has been light on this element of youth culture, with a few smartphones here and there, but its focus is understandably elsewhere. Too Short to Ride shows that the crew has always been able to tell this kind of story if they wanted to, and I appreciate the restraint as much as the implementation.
Beyond giving Peridot an outlet for communication and information gathering, and potentially serving as a metaphor for social media isolating us from the real world, Peridot’s new tablet (courtesy of Greg, who we learn is still wealthy after his big vacation) is the impetus for the big reveal: Peridot’s metal powers. There’s a story in there about how we have hidden depths that we can only find when we stop dwelling on what we can’t do, but come on the important thing is the new animation this allows. It’s a terrific contrast to the standard “hold up a hand and think” approach so often used to display telekinesis, and such a tenuous method is a perfect fit for a bundle of nerves like Peridot.
This is a funny episode in general, despite its heavy themes. It’s great to see this much Mr. Smiley, especially when exhaustion dials up the forced cheer factor, and we get one of my favorite Onion gags. But Peridot’s descriptions, a Florido’n’Zuke specialty, are the real heroes. Her strange terminology for the mundane is a reliable gag, but you get the sense that she’s weird even for a Gem here: for instance, the alien toy she desires doesn’t just have a big head, but one that’s “swollen with thoughts.”
Peridot doesn’t fit in, so it’s sweet to see Steven and Amethyst invite her along for a day on the boardwalk, even if it doesn’t work as planned. While Steven gets a bit less to do than Amethyst, Amethyst is the one who better understands what Peridot is going through. His is a perspective of someone who can’t do things but can learn, but Amethyst is all too aware of what she can’t do, period. It’ll be another stretch before this story continues, but it’s one of the best the series has to offer.
I’ve never been to this…how do you say…school?
Would Shorty Squad founding member Amethyst really have a problem bumping into something that’s high up? Is Steven at a school where he has to be a principal and a teacher and a coach? Am I stupid for analyzing a funny picture in an alternate universe with a logical lens?
We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
The slow pace prevents Too Short to Ride from being a favorite, but it’s a funny, meaningful episode with a favorite character. I don’t love it, but I like it, so it’s a good thing I have a category for each of those options!
Top Fifteen
Steven and the Stevens
Hit the Diamond
Mirror Gem
Lion 3: Straight to Video
Alone Together
The Return
Jailbreak
The Answer
Sworn to the Sword
Rose’s Scabbard
Mr. Greg
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Winter Forecast
When It Rains
Love ‘em
Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Ocean Gem
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe
Warp Tour
The Test
Future Vision
On the Run
Maximum Capacity
Marble Madness
The Message
Political Power
Full Disclosure
Joy Ride
Keeping It Together
We Need to Talk
Chille Tid
Cry for Help
Keystone Motel
Catch and Release
Back to the Barn
Steven’s Birthday
It Could’ve Been Great
Message Received
Log Date 7 15 2
Same Old World
Like ‘em
Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird
Watermelon Steven
Open Book
Story for Steven
Shirt Club
Love Letters
Reformed
Rising Tides, Crashing Skies
Onion Friend
Historical Friction
Friend Ship
Nightmare Hospital
Too Far
Barn Mates
Steven Floats
Drop Beat Dad
Too Short to Ride
Enh
Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team
Say Uncle
Super Watermelon Island
Gem Drill
No Thanks!
5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure
Mr. Greg is a collection of terrific scenes, but this does not necessarily make it a terrific episode.
I’m going to be giving a lot of praise here, because in more ways than not it is a terrific episode. It’s a cathartic story about coming to terms with the death of a loved one, which is obviously powerful as a culmination of a massive Pearl arc but somehow manages to work in a bubble as well. So to be clear, just because I think the scenes within the episode are better than the episode itself does not mean the episode is by any metric bad. Especially because its major flaw (the inability to pace its emotional punches effectively) is something that I see no way to fix within the confines of the medium. But more on that later.
This isn’t going to be a typical review format, because it’s not a typical episode format. I’ll be dividing the review itself song by song (including the scenes preceding and/or following the songs) to talk about them as individuals and within context. Which is essentially the goal of this blog: to talk about the episodes as individuals and within the context of the series.
The difference being that Steven Universe, unlike Mr. Greg, is greater than the sum of its parts.
“From the moment the meat hits the flame…”
We begin with Pepe’s Burgers, technically the first song of this musical. It sets the stage for the absurd premise of Greg’s sudden wealth and a bunch of in-universe singing by showing Marty chomping on a burger mid-commercial. Because seriously, what is Marty doing there? Why would the guy who sold the rights to the music (not even the lyrics) act in the commercial? And in what universe would the writer of the music (not even the lyrics) earn 40 million dollars? Yes, Greg only got 10 mil, but Marty establishes in Story for Steven that he earns 75%. And yet Marty apparently spent his 30 and is reduced to shilling guacamole soda. This is a lot to digest from a commercial about a $6 burger joint.
But this is honestly the best way to start, because in Mr. Greg, the ridiculous circumstances don’t matter. A major accomplishment of the episode (that’s often overlooked thanks to the Rose of it all) is that it swerves around the jump-the-shark moment of a main character suddenly and permanently becoming wealthy, and it does so by shifting focus away from the money as soon as it’s mentioned. Our first reaction to the commercial is Steven flipping out that his dad’s song is on TV, then we very briefly explain that Greg’s rich now, but then whup never mind now we’re talking about Rose.
The pacing of an eleven minute episode with six songs (I’m counting Pepe’s Burgers but also combining Don’t Cost Nothin’ and Empire City) must have been a logistical nightmare. And it’s ultimately where the episode loses its steam. But for now, we’ve efficiently set up the stakes and themes of the episode. We get the crucial knowledge that Greg’s rich now, but we also learn all about our four principle characters in a way that even newcomers can understand. Steven’s an excitable kid, Greg’s a bashful musician, Pearl is confused by human customs, and Rose is dead. But also, Steven and Greg are both sensitive to Pearl’s simultaneously bewildered and resigned reaction to the song that won Rose’s heart, because Pearl loved Rose. She’s accepted Greg’s “victory” for a while now, admitting with a sigh that Rose would’ve loved his song even if it was about burgers (hitting us hard and early with those sweet Steven Universe sadjokes), and the ensuing awkwardness feels so real. Someone who’s never watched a second of this show would get the gist of this dynamic within less than a minute of screentime.
And only then do we talk about money.
“And let’s bring Pearl.”
When I first watched Mr. Greg, the news of a Steven Universe musical episode had faded in my memory from a long hiatus, and it took me until Don’t Cost Nothin’/Empire City to realize that this was that musical. The Pepe’s Burger jingle is technically our first song, but it doesn’t by itself feel like part of something bigger. This show has done plenty of goofy songs like that, but the one-two punch that follows is unmistakably a musical number.
After briefly hinting that money is a secondary concern, we get a song explicitly saying that money is a secondary concern. It might just be shock at the sudden change of fortune, but Greg can’t imagine what to do with his newfound riches that would make his life better than just being with his son. I love so much that when presented with enough money to live comfortably forever, Greg shrugs and sings about how grateful he is for what he already has. Living in a van has been a constant reminder of his poverty, but even with all the money he’ll ever need, he just plain enjoys the simple life.
But that doesn’t mean he can’t have fun, so he jumps at the opportunity to use the money to do what he already said he loves doing: hanging out with Steven. His wealth now allows Greg to take his son to a fancy apartment in the big city, but it’s the same principal that drove him to take Steven to a cheap room on a business trip in Keystone Motel.
Steven, however, has plans. It’s unclear whether these plans were in place even when he first suggested a vacation, but he makes clear later on that he wants to use the opportunity to get Greg and Pearl to finally deal with their baggage. Neither adult is thrilled with the idea, and Steven pushes it a little far by cheerily reminding them that Rose now “lives” in his navel, but between his remark and the quick cut to Rose’s portrait we get an even greater sense of the shadow cast by the missing fourth member of this ensemble.
And thus we end set-up mode, meaning we need a new song to bring us into the main plot. Perhaps a titular one?
“More or less.”
A musical without choreography is a soundtrack. Mr. Greg (the song) has the highest ratio of choreography to song in its storytelling: even before the words begin, we get Greg’s silent booking to a snooty-looking clerk as the boisterous Empire City theme swells, only for the clerk to start belting out our song in a goofy New York accent. This is the cartooniest of our numbers, and it delivers in spades.
And we need this exaggerated fun. We were promised an exciting vacation, and spending the entire trip dwelling on the relationship between Greg and Pearl and Rose would not only break that promise, but rob us of the tonal shift that helps give our next song its oomph. So we see Greg be carefree, but not too jerky, with his money, and Steven jumping right into the festivities while a choir of bellhops sings along with the clerk. And lest we forget, all of this is actually happening; Greg thanks the staff for singing along, this is just part of the world Steven lives in.
(Also this sequence has my favorite fun fact of the episode: the tap dancing sound was recorded by Shelby Rabara, and while there’s no footage of this, there is grainy footage of her tapping like a demon when she was eleven years old because sometimes we’re allowed to have nice things. Still waiting on Peridot to break out the tap shoes.)
But if you would, take a moment to watch the song on mute and only pay attention to Pearl. Steven and Greg are having a blast, and like every other song in the episode are behaving in sync with the music. But Pearl is not happy to be here, and while it’s hardly hidden, it’s not something the song alone could tell us. Choreography matters, because musicals are an audiovisual medium that only excel when using both halves of the equation.
Pearl does finally relent when Steven and Greg actually notice she’s unhappy, but her happiness is doomed to be temporary, and the song finally and abruptly catches up to her attitude when Greg suggests a dance (which, while I’m sure was meant platonically, was an activity that pointedly divided her from Rose in the past). Greg repeats the sense of hopelessness he showed when Steven first suggested that Pearl join them, but they clearly kept partying afterwards judging by the pizza in the bedroom. Pearl’s sadness is unfortunate, but it’s not exactly new to either of them, and it makes sense that they’d give her some space.
And she apparently uses that space to think about some things.
“She chose you, and she loved you, and she’s gone.”
I said long ago that Deedee Magno Hall is for my money the show’s best voice actor, and It’s Over, Isn’t It? is yet another example of why. It makes sense to give a veteran stage performer a showstopper in the musical episode, but even knowing the wonder of Magno Hall’s singing can’t prepare us for just how good she is here. This is the only solo of the evening (jingles aside), and Pearl’s first solo ever, and DDMH carries it with ease.
An incredible thing about the song is that almost none of the information is new at this point, but it’s still compelling. We already know that Pearl loved Rose, that Rose picked Greg, and that the combination of rejection and loss is still tearing Pearl apart. But Pearl herself has only revealed snippets of this information under extreme stress, and has never been so honest about how she feels at length. And beyond the mourning and despair, we do get a new wrinkle to her mindset: the problem isn’t that she’s in denial or determined to grieve, it’s that she knows she has to move on and can’t find out how to do it.
And I love so much that in this song about Rose, Pearl isn’t singing to Rose, or to Steven, or even to herself. She’s singing to Greg. She doesn’t expect a response, because she thinks that he’s asleep, but her seemingly rhetorical question is being asked of the one person who might have an answer. Because while Greg is still shown to be sad about Rose’s passing, he’s clearly moved on better than she has, and she could really use some help. We know Steven is watching, and this only further fuels his upcoming performance.
The visuals, of course, are astounding. It’s one thing to reference Julie Andrews in Victor/Victoriaas a neat nod to musicals, but it’s another to turn that homage into one of the most beautifully animated sequences in the series. After the frenetic choreography of Mr. Greg, it’s bold as hell to spend the entire first refrain on a single slow shot, but obviously it worked.
There’s really not much else to say here, the power of the scene is self-evident. So maybe just watch it again? Especially because I’m about to get to what’s actually wrong with Mr. Greg.
Like I said earlier, I can’t imagine how hard it was to pace this episode with so much story and music to cover. But the transition between It’s Over, Isn’t It? and Both of You is where that pacing falls apart.
We get virtually no time to process It’s Over, Isn’t It? before jumping right into Both of You, and it detracts quite a bit from the latter song. The transition that we get is a valiant attempt, with Greg’s immediate reaction, Pearl’s reaction to that reaction, and Steven’s reveal that he planned for a reconciliation this whole time. But It’s Over, Isn’t It is a showstopper in an episode that doesn’t have time to stop, so instead we get exactly fifty seconds of time to process it before we’re expected to be able to fully appreciate another highly emotional song. And yeah, the goofy piano out of nowhere doesn’t help with the sensation.
It took me so long to appreciate Both of You, because it isn’t allowed to shine on its own. In some ways this is a good problem to have: I’d rather the problem be too many amazing songs crammed together than not enough amazing songs. But it’s not fair to the climax to be this close to the conflict when both scenes are songs and both songs are spectacles. Both of You, as we’ll see, gets an excellent wind down, and I wish It’s Over, Isn’t It? was afforded the same spacing for us to take it all in and prepare ourselves for the ending.
I blame nobody for this issue, because what’s the solution? Cutting other content in an episode that’s already tight for time? Expanding to a full 22 minutes, and losing the purity of the story with unnecessary filler just to make room for some necessary spacing? The only fix I can think of would be a strange 15-minute episode that just wouldn’t work within the confines of network television, so I’m stumped. It’s a lousy situation, made lousier by how much better this already terrific episode could have been with just a little more time.
“I know you both need it.”
Again, it took me a while to warm up to this song. I’ve always known it was good, but I needed to watch it on its own a few times to fully appreciate it away from the shadow cast by the preceding song.
I’ll say first that Zach Callison was 18 years old max when he recorded this song and I can’t believe how talented he is. It’s one thing to sing this well, but to do it in a voice that’s similar but different to your actual voice and to hit those highs without breaking a sweat is incredible. How someone this young is this good is baffling to me.
The cut to Greg and Pearl talking is a mixed bag. I’m in general against using spoken words within songs to convey emotions because come on, the medium is right there, just sing it. But for storytelling purposes, which is more important to me than how the song flows, it’s a boon to strip away the heightened reality and have the pair to speak frankly and awkwardly about feelings that they’ve never openly confronted with each other. And their shared “She always did what she wanted” is a killer: they’re not bonding over a happy memory, but an aspect of Rose that was both positive and negative. These two, more than anyone, know best that Rose was not perfect, and even when mourning her they don’t forget it.
But in the end, this is Steven’s song. This is a milestone episode for Pearl, but it’s quietly just as much of a milestone for Steven, because he’s coming into his own as a leader of the Crystal Gems. Take a look back to On the Run, where he doesn’t quite realize what’s going on with Amethyst but recognizes that Pearl is the one that needs to talk with her. That was already a big moment for his emotional development, but now he’s grown into a mediator who’s giving the same advice to talk things out, but as a strategy instead of a last resort. Steven Universe has taught a lot of lessons about how to deal with conflicts in a healthy way, and Steven Universe has been paying attention to them.
As soon as his mission is accomplished, we rush to the ending, but that’s okay, because the rush has the best song in the episode.
“Singin’ a song don’t cost nothin’.”
Medleys are my everything. One Day More is the best song in Les Misérables and Non-Stop is the best song in Hamilton and the end credits of Final Fantasy VI have the best video game credits music of all time, and if you disagree then by all means meet me outside.
The best medleys do more than repeat song snippets, but recontextualize them to account for new events. Don’t Cost Nothin’ is given a brief moment of negativity to contrast with the sweetness of the initial version, as Greg surveys the expenses of a wild night in the city. But then Pearl hops in to make this version even sweeter: she picks Greg up when he’s feeling down, and then when she starts getting the words wrong and her nerves start to bubble, he picks her up with a simple moment of grace, and it’s perfect.
Just not as perfect as Steven, sitting in the back and watching Greg and Pearl talk as friends, transforming “It’s over, isn’t it?” from a line about mourning to a line about finding peace. Ugh, this is how you end an episode.
Like I said, the pacing near the end mutes the impact of a vital section of Mr. Greg. And as small as it might seem, that really matters to me: this isn’t a nitpick from someone looking for things to dislike, it’s an issue that bugged me from the first time I watched the episode and was all in on how great it was going. And I’m still all in, which is why I’ve been able to move past it with time. Because as Greg and Pearl know, and Steven will find out, it’s okay to love something that’s imperfect.
Future Vision!
I’m not the first person to notice the visual mirroring of Greg and Pearl with Yellow and Blue Diamond. Frankly I doubt there’s as much intent as certain people think, because the analogy is pretty uneven: Pearl is far more similar to Blue than Greg is to Yellow. However, I at least think it’s interesting that Greg and Yellow both outwardly seem more okay with Rose’s death than the openly grieving Pearl/Blue, but in reality are still torn up about it. It’s still a stretch, because Greg’s reaction is to try and move on despite the pain, while Yellow’s is to bottle up her sadness and convert it into toxic rage. But still, food for thought.
We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
I love this episode. But I love a lot of episodes. If this is your favorite, I completely understand, and I do get that it’s not fair to hold “it’s not perfect” against an episode when Steven and the Stevens and Hit the Diamond are the only two perfect episodes we’ve got. But Mr. Greg is so good that it hurts me even more that it just misses the mark.
Bear this in mind: my favorite scene of the series remains to be the end of Winter Forecast, but that doesn’t make it my favorite episode. Mr. Greg is some truly spectacular scenes. But it just doesn’t come together quite well enough for me to love it as much as two handfuls of other episodes.
Top Fifteen
Steven and the Stevens
Hit the Diamond
Mirror Gem
Lion 3: Straight to Video
Alone Together
The Return
Jailbreak
The Answer
Sworn to the Sword
Rose’s Scabbard
Mr. Greg
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Winter Forecast
When It Rains
Love ‘em
Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Ocean Gem
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe
Warp Tour
The Test
Future Vision
On the Run
Maximum Capacity
Marble Madness
The Message
Political Power
Full Disclosure
Joy Ride
Keeping It Together
We Need to Talk
Chille Tid
Cry for Help
Keystone Motel
Catch and Release
Back to the Barn
Steven’s Birthday
It Could’ve Been Great
Message Received
Log Date 7 15 2
Same Old World
Like ‘em
Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird
Watermelon Steven
Open Book
Story for Steven
Shirt Club
Love Letters
Reformed
Rising Tides, Crashing Skies
Onion Friend
Historical Friction
Friend Ship
Nightmare Hospital
Too Far
Barn Mates
Steven Floats
Drop Beat Dad
Enh
Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team
Say Uncle
Super Watermelon Island
Gem Drill
No Thanks!
5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure
Way, way back, in the second episode of the series, I talked about the ubiquity of Bad Dads in media. It’s one of the reasons that Greg is such a great character: it’s refreshing to see an imperfect but fundamentally good father figure portrayed unironically. But although he’s the best, he’s not alone in Steven Universe; this is a show about moms, but that doesn’t mean dads get the short end of the stick.
Mr. Fryman might get flustered at times, but he knows and loves his very different sons. Kofi’s a bit tougher his twins, but shows a good heart behind all the gruff in Beach Party. Mayor Dewey has plenty of issues, and Buck implies that he has a history of being withholding, but we see his affection in Shirt Club. Doug is a bit of a wet blanket, but he’s not by any means bad (and we’ll get to know him better in Doug Out). And while Yellowtail doesn’t show a lot of personality until now, we see a close connection with Onion in Onion Trade.
So I guess it’s about time we meet a dad who’s just total garbage.
Marty, Kevin, and Aquamarine are the three worst characters on this show, not in terms of how they’re written, but who they are. Ben Levin and Matt Burnett have outright said that the detestable Aquamarine is based on Cartman from South Park, and Kevin so perfectly captures the entitlement of toxic masculinity that the GOP might put him on the Supreme Court one day (I’m kidding of course, he’s not white), but Marty is a different creature. When we first met him in Story for Steven, he was shown through Greg’s perspective as an exaggerated monster in the style of Aquamarine. In Drop Beat Dad, we slowly learn that Greg wasn’t actually exaggerating, but that Marty’s awfulness is entirely too human.
I mean, it doesn’t take long to figure out that Marty’s scummy, but Jon Wurster helps sell it for comedy at first, hyping up laminated business cards and starting conversations with people he calls with “Marty here, talk to me.” His support of Sour Cream initially seems like an earnest attempt from a lousy dad to bond with his kid the only way he knows how, or at the very least take advantage of his kid in a way that doesn’t cause active harm. But nope! The whole scheme was to promote a soda that isn’t even good (as a drink or as a dip), and as soon as he gets called out he tries gaslighting Sour Cream by accusing him of selfishness.
Fortunately Sour Cream doesn’t buy it for a second, angrily pointing out that he’s never needed Marty for anything and has already done fine on his own. But here we get the part of the episode that I feel needed work: Sour Cream’s relationship with Yellowtail. Yes, it’s funny and sweet to see Sour Cream shouting in Yellowtail’s “dialect” (Brian Posehn continues to impress as a teenager with a grown man’s voice), and I love the subtle connection of fishing as a classic father/son bonding activity with Sour Cream’s perceived pressure to help his fisherman stepfather at work. But the moment feels unearned, especially because it precedes Yellowtail’s gesture of support: perhaps it’s to show that Yellowtail’s already more of a father than Marty, but it feels like Sour Cream is siding with Yellowtail when more realistically he’s not a fan of Marty or Yellowtail at this point.
It’s hard to know where Yellowtail actually stands on Sour Cream’s deejaying because we never know what he’s saying and it’s not unheard of for teenagers to feel more persecuted by parent figures than they actually are. But it’s clear that Sour Cream feels unsupported at this point in the episode. And while Yellowtail’s show of encouragement is a nice conclusion to their conflict, I think it’s a bit rushed for Sour Cream to start calling him “Dad” just like that. Maybe he’s just caught up in the moment, but it rings false to me.
Marty is compellingly awful, even more so upon rewatch when it’s clear what the G on his shirt stands for the soda he’s promoting: he didn’t expect to see his kid, meaning his primal instinct when hearing about Sour Cream’s interest in music is manipulating him in a spur of the moment promotional deal. But between his huge persona and Yellowtail’s incoherence, what should have been an episode where both father figures are at odds becomes an episode where one of them is pushed aside until convenient for the plot.
This doesn’t make Drop Beat Dad a bad episode, especially considering how great Roadie Steven is. Even though Steven’s interest in being a roadie seems sudden, especially considering how Sadie’s Song establishes that he prefers being on stage to supporting the talent, it makes sense that a musician like Greg would have instilled a sense of respect for the craft.
It also gives Steven a chance to further show off his power set after Steven Floats: it’s not exactly a twist that he’s strong in the physical way, considering he’s gotten into plenty of fights with superpowered beings, but it’s awesome to see him carrying incredible weight with barely any commentary. And if you go back and watch Coach Steven, we never actually see him struggle to lift anything heavy. He might still be weak compared to full Gems with years of fighting experience, but next to regular humans he’s a powerhouse.
Greg has surprisingly little to do in an episode about Marty and music, but considering how crowded Sour Cream’s story is already it’s okay for him to take a back seat. He still has a few important moments, and while his explicit summation of the episode’s moral isn’t very subtle (something he’s guilty of from time to time, check out Space Race) the reminder that his business is struggling is an artful way to prime us for his sudden influx of wealth. Does it undermine the lesson that you don’t need to make money to be fulfilled by your craft? Enh, a little, but we’ve already seen that lesson in practice during Greg’s poor days.
Our last townie episode was Sadie’s Song, right before Peridot rolled in, and it shares a lot of similarities with Drop Beat Dad besides Steven’s aforementioned support role for a teen musician performing on the beach. Both are about burgeoning artists with difficult relationships with a parent in regards to their art (and in that way it actually continues a thread from Shirt Club), but Drop Beat Dad succeeds by putting Steven in the side role he needs to be in for a story that’s not at all about him, and by, y’know, showing the resolution of the child-parent conflict instead of glancing at it for three seconds.
We’re about to get a lot more townie episodes. Even episodes about Peridot and Stevonnie are gonna take place in Beach City proper. While they aren’t everyone’s favorite, I’ll reiterate my main takeaway from Ocean Gem: Steven might be half-Gem, but he’s also half-human, and it’s vital to see that half through his interactions with the mundane. What’s exciting about this season is that we’ve shifted from townie episodes introducing characters to expanding them, and I love what we see of Sour Cream here. Deejaying is just about the only thing we know about him prior to this episode, so it makes sense that it’s the focus of Drop Beat Dad. But this sole character attribute is used as a lens for a new story about a teenager navigating the emotional landscape of a blended family, and while it doesn’t do it perfectly, it’s a great sign for things to come.
Future Vision!
Considering Marty calls Greg “Starchild,” he naturally refers to Steven as “Starchild Junior.” Which makes for a neat parallel when another tall, pale bully refers to his mother as “Starlight.”
We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
There a bunch of little problems that keep this episode from being great, but I’ve got a soft spot for Sour Cream that keeps it on my good side.
Top Fifteen
Steven and the Stevens
Hit the Diamond
Mirror Gem
Lion 3: Straight to Video
Alone Together
The Return
Jailbreak
The Answer
Sworn to the Sword
Rose’s Scabbard
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Winter Forecast
When It Rains
Catch and Release
Love ‘em
Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Ocean Gem
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe
Warp Tour
The Test
Future Vision
On the Run
Maximum Capacity
Marble Madness
The Message
Political Power
Full Disclosure
Joy Ride
Keeping It Together
We Need to Talk
Chille Tid
Cry for Help
Keystone Motel
Back to the Barn
Steven’s Birthday
It Could’ve Been Great
Message Received
Log Date 7 15 2
Same Old World
Like ‘em
Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird
Watermelon Steven
Open Book
Story for Steven
Shirt Club
Love Letters
Reformed
Rising Tides, Crashing Skies
Onion Friend
Historical Friction
Friend Ship
Nightmare Hospital
Too Far
Barn Mates
Steven Floats
Drop Beat Dad
Enh
Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team
Say Uncle
Super Watermelon Island
Gem Drill
No Thanks!
5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure
Pop quiz: When was the last time we had an episode that was just about Steven, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl (not all alone, necessarily, but where they’re the clear primary focus)? Seventeen episodes ago, in Friend Ship. How about the last time we had an episode starring these four that wasn’t defined by tension?
Hmm.
Certainly not Chille Tid or Keeping It Together, which are both tense (oh and one is really about Lapis). Not Rising Tides, Crashing Skies, a townie episode. Not Sworn to the Sword or Reformed or Love Letters, each focusing on only a fragment of the team. Say Uncle? Please, even if it was canon its star is a character from another cartoon. Joy Ride? Nope. Even the three episodes I moved from Season 1 don’t fit the…holy crow, it must have been in Season 1.
But certainly not in the buildup to the invasion, where our heroes are fully on edge. Or right before Marble Madness tells us Peridot’s coming back, because that’s either Steven hanging out with humans, the show focusing on individual Gems, and the dramatic fare of The Test and Warp Tour. So, yikes, we’re going pre-Lion 3. Let’s see, not Watermelon Steven, that’s the whole town; not Garnet’s Universe, that’s just Garnet; not Fusion Cuisine or Keep Beach City Weird or Island Adventure, all focusing on humans.
It’s Secret Team. It’s been fifty-five episodes since the last time we just hung out with the four named characters in Steven Universe’s theme song and it wasn’t a dramatic affair. And even then, Pearl and Amethyst were fighting (as is the way of episodes requiring conflict).
This gap is a natural byproduct of the show’s increasing serialization and stakes, its focus on outside characters (including new Gems), and Steven himself growing up and realizing more and more that life is more complicated than a day at the beach. We get to explore deeper emotions as Steven grows more capable of exploring them, and as he slowly realizes the extent of his mother’s legacy, that legacy slowly catches up with him.
But still, it’s nice to get back to the basics every now and then.
Yes, we’re back at Beach City, back with our four leads by themselves, back to seeing Sadie and thinking fondly of other townies in a down-to-earth episode about literally coming down to Earth.
At a glance, this seems like a return to status quo, now that the world is safe and our new friends have wrapped up their initial arcs (Peridot becoming a Crystal Gem, Lapis coming around to the idea of living at the barn with Peridot) and are out of the picture again. Jasper’s missing and the Yellow Diamond might want revenge, but for now things are back to normal. Garnet’s quiet but funny, Amethyst is chill to a fault, and Pearl is panicking. All is as it should be.
Which makes it the perfect time to introduce Steven’s new power. This isn’t a show that really has a status quo anymore, it’s a show that despite varying speed is always moving forward. Steven Floats simultaneously settles back into everyday life for Steven while reminding us that everyday life for Steven comes with change, and it’s such a neat trick to pull off.
It’s not that Steven hasn’t gained new powers in a while: his dream possession of Watermelon Stevens in Super Watermelon Island and his extending limbs in Steven’s Birthday aren’t too long ago. But these are not only adaptations of his established abilities, but are given little fanfare when they appear. Floating is completely new, and merits a full episode’s focus.
As a maturing hero, Steven spends the episode figuring himself out on his own. Like his shield summon and his bubble, floating first appears as an accident, but this time he actually deduces how it works by the end of the story, and despite the Crystal Gems (or at least Garnet) knowing the answer, he does it on his own. Sure, the solution is so simple that he gets comically frustrated, because all of his powers are tied to his feelings, and it’s not breaking new ground to see him comforted by the love of his family. But Steven’s physical, emotional, and intellectual capabilities are shown to be far beyond anything he could’ve accomplished if he’d started floating in Season 1.
As I said, the other Crystal Gems are back to their core personas, but let’s not forget that these core personas work just fine. Amethyst’s casual dismissal of Steven floating away is great, and Pearl’s quiet admission that she wanted a hug is sweet, but their leader takes the gold medal in terms of small character moments. Garnet’s method of “finding” a phone was already the episode’s best gag before the reveal that it’s Kofi’s, which presents two possibilities that each enhance the joke: either Garnet has it out for Kofi, or she doesn’t even care and has messed with him again by pure accident.
Speaking of which, Steven Floats is the third episode of the series with a single storyboarder (Lamar Abrams soloed Onion Trade and Kofi’s own Beach Party), and while this doesn’t mean Paul Villeco had no help on this, it sort of feels like the result of one person’s work. I don’t mean this at all as a slight, this episode is neither undercooked nor sloppy, but weird little quirks that might’ve missed the cut in collaboration slip through, giving a sense of heightened reality beyond the normal confines of the show.
Part of that is a more stylized approach than usual, with the most obvious example being the Spongebobian extreme closeup of Sadie saying “fresh.” But I’m more talking about the way Steven thinks about Rose: she shows up as a still image, he decides against thinking about her, and he grabs the bottom of the frame and flings it up while falling. Or how his encounter with the airplane has that joke where the flight attendant calmly points out his appearance. Steven Universe acknowledges the fourth wall at times, but rarely breaks it to this extent in an otherwise normal episode (see Uncle Grandpa and Know Your Fusion for full-episode wackiness).
This tone is helped a lot by following Hit the Diamond, which itself is a weird episode. I think the focus on tone does make the plot drag a little—Steven’s fall takes up a huge chunk of the episode and most of it is spent on jokes that are good but sadly not as memorable as Hit the Diamond’s—but I appreciate that specific artists are still allowed the sort of creative freedom that Villeco clearly had this deep into the series.
Still, it isn’t too deep in the series: we’re in the homestretch of episodes before Back to the Moon, so we’re going to spend this season preparing for Steven to learn the “truth” about Pink Diamond, and I appreciate more than ever how nuanced the show’s portrayal of her is even before this gamechanger. His moment with Rose is small here, but despite his powers evoking what we’ve seen of her own floating to the ground, he’s already admitting that the relationship is complicated.
In our last episode, a breezy plot had serious consequences, with the Ruby Squad tricked into leaving only to return in the aforementioned Back to the Moon and change Steven’s life forever. Here, a breezy plot results in Steven eating a donut. Not every episode needs to be Important, even episodes with big ramifications for our hero’s power set, and in that way Steven Floats is a great representative of Season 3′s general mood: our leads can still take things seriously, but as they know for sure after the Cluster, it’s not the end of the world if they take it a little easy.
We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
This isn’t perfect by any means even beyond the slow pacing—Steven’s floating is only sporadically tied to his emotions in future episodes, and even here it makes little sense that his lack of happiness as he begins to slowly fall wouldn’t speed things up—but it’s a lot of fun and acquits itself well as a transitional episode. Plus, correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this is the first time we see in-universe that Beach City is in a state called Delmarva, which gives it extra credit as a grounding episode.
Top Fifteen
Steven and the Stevens
Hit the Diamond
Mirror Gem
Lion 3: Straight to Video
Alone Together
The Return
Jailbreak
The Answer
Sworn to the Sword
Rose’s Scabbard
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Winter Forecast
When It Rains
Catch and Release
Love ‘em
Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Ocean Gem
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe
Warp Tour
The Test
Future Vision
On the Run
Maximum Capacity
Marble Madness
The Message
Political Power
Full Disclosure
Joy Ride
Keeping It Together
We Need to Talk
Chille Tid
Cry for Help
Keystone Motel
Back to the Barn
Steven’s Birthday
It Could’ve Been Great
Message Received
Log Date 7 15 2
Same Old World
Like ‘em
Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird
Watermelon Steven
Open Book
Story for Steven
Shirt Club
Love Letters
Reformed
Rising Tides, Crashing Skies
Onion Friend
Historical Friction
Friend Ship
Nightmare Hospital
Too Far
Barn Mates
Steven Floats
Enh
Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team
Say Uncle
Super Watermelon Island
Gem Drill
No Thanks!
5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure
Steven and the Stevens is my favorite episode of Steven Universe. Is it really any wonder that this is my second-favorite?
Hit the Diamond is essentially perfect. I could watch it every day. Just as Steven and the Stevens captures the core essence of the show’s four leads, Hit the Diamond is all about celebrating the new status quo of the Crystal Gems being an expanding team with Steven, who spent so long as a follower, leading the way. It’s an absurd breath of fresh air after the tension of the Cluster Arc, and it’s just so much fun. And all of it relies on staying true to these characters, old and new alike.
Consider that of all the Gems we’ve met in the present, only three (Jasper, Yellow Diamond, and Yellow Pearl) are missing from this ballgame. That means Lapis and Peridot, of course, but it also means Ruby and Sapphire, who for the second appearance in a row get to show up in a non-crisis scenario; and unlike The Answer, this is the version of Ruby and Sapphire who are in a comfortable relationship. Hell, this episode is so breezy that their desire to be together is a major part of the conflict, which is just precious.
One of my favorite aspects of Hit the Diamond is how trolly it is. The title indicates cosmic plot developments, and it comes at the heels of invading rubies heralding a new Homeworld-centric arc, and the first act is the Crystal Gems freaking out at being discovered but nope! We’re just playing baseball! This isn’t the first cartoon to pull a home run baseball episode out of left field, but it manages to stand tall alongside what I consider the premier example: Samurai Champloo’s lunatic baseball-as-colonialism masterpiece Baseball Blues.
As with Steven and the Stevens, we get a terrific sense of what defines these characters in a nutshell. Steven is the leader whether or not anybody realizes it, and while his plan to play baseball is ridiculous, he manages to see it through after a magnificent human impression for the rubies. Amethyst is rash, suggesting an ambush and showing off her spindash despite their paper-thin disguises. Pearl seems to be high and mighty, playing the game well and showing little patience for Peridot’s neuroses (“Oh honestly, you call everyone a clod”), but she cheers Amethyst on during said spindash, revealing that she’s not so above it all (and as a bonus: she and Amethyst have a better relationship than in Steven and the Stevens). Garnet’s wry and terse, but gets a moment of goofy laughter upon fusing before putting her guard back up. Peridot remains the most nervous megalomaniac we could hope for, but with a new sense of camaraderie befitting the new leader of the Crystal Gems.
Ruby and Sapphire at first seem to be your standard anxious/serene duo, with Ruby choking several times in her spy mission and Sapphire calmly reassuring her. But as the game commences, and the two get their flirt on, we see that Ruby is capable of Garnet’s smooth cool, while Sapphire can tap into Garnet’s passion and violence. They get so lost in themselves that Coach Steven needs to crack the whip a little, and in their game-ending fusion Garnet acts like they’re reuniting after months apart despite only having separated earlier that day.
As in The Answer, we also see Ruby characterized in comparison to other rubies, and this time she’s not just unique among a generic pack. I can’t imagine how much fun the studio is when Charlyne Yi’s voicing six rubies (seven if you count the fusion, five if you can’t count), and even in our brief time with them we get a sense of how inept they are in distinct ways. If I had one complaint about the episode, it’s that I would’ve liked to have Steven’s nicknames appear in-show to help designate our six new characters; in fairness, it would probably mess with the pacing, but names beside “the angry ruby” or “the confused ruby” or “the leader ruby” would go even further in characterizing these surprisingly well-realized grunts.
But come on. Lapis is the star here. Jennifer Paz steals the show with her Sahara-level dry delivery. Where the rest of the cast continues to up the goofy stakes of a goofy episode, Lapis goes full Daria and spends the episode unleashing her snark. Shock factor alone made me crack up so hard I had to pause the episode the first time I her legendary “This plan sucks,” considering this medium typically refuses to go further than “stinks” on the pseudo-swearing spectrum. Her bluntness is amazing, but I love that she’s not a one-dimensional disaffected youth (who’s thousands of years old): she does sort of get into the game after a while, giving the tiniest grin at a catch and a shrugging high five to Ruby after Sapphire’s homer. It doesn’t outweigh her attitude during the rest of the episode, but it’s enough to see that she’s still capable of unironic happiness here and there.
While not focused on too much within the episode itself, Hit the Diamond goes a long way in easing the tension between Lapis and Peridot. We get to see Lapis mildly impressed at Peridot’s betrayal of Homeworld early on, but more important is that even though she thinks the plan sucks, Lapis sticks her neck out to help the person she just spent an episode arguing with. Even if it’s an enemy of my enemy situation, and Lapis sees the rubies as the lesser of two evils, she had every right to just sit this one out, but instead she plays ball.
As with Log Date 7 15 2, it’s hard to talk about a lot of what I like about this episode without devolving into “X was so funny,” because there are so many hilarious moments here that are better experienced by rewatching the episode rather than me summarizing them. But a highlight is Steven’s interlude with Peridot during the game, because it not only gives us a moment with the only Gem who isn’t playing, but the gag (Steven badly lying about how the game’s going only to be immediately called out) reflects growth in their relationship since Gem Drill. There, Peridot demands Steven to tell her everything will go great, and when he does, she immediately berates him. Hit the Diamond’s joke is similar, but the punchline is Peridot angrily thanking Steven for being so considerate. He’s learned that she enjoys being reassured even when she knows things are going wrong, and we get this development purely through comedy, and it’s just wonderful.
Despite the fakeout nature of Hit the Diamond, it funnily enough does set up major elements for the season’s endgame and beyond. The Ruby Squad’s return leads to Steven finally learning that his mother shattered Pink Diamond, which shapes the next fifty-odd episode chunk despite not being true.
Samus Aran’s Gunship the Roaming Eye is critical to rescuing Greg when he’s dragged to space, and its absence after Navy steals it back (in an episode where the twist relies on the spacey characterization she displays right here) prevents Steven’s family from getting lost in space searching for him after he goes to Homeworld with Lars. Quite a bit rides on the aftermath this goofy baseball episode.
This is also the last of Steven’s Barn Adventures for the time being, which doubles as the finale of Lapis’s readjustment trilogy. And it honestly is the end of an era, as Steven’s homecoming is met with a break from the heavy serialization that spanned Catch and Release until now. It isn’t fully going away, and we actually get a lot of distant sequel episodes (Drop Beat Dad to Story for Steven, Mr. Greg for Pearl’s whole Rose-related arc, Beach City Drift for Alone Together, and Monster Reunion for Monster Friend), but there’s far less urgency and far more hanging out until Amethyst’s arc revs up at the end of the season.
Some fans would rather spend all the time on plot, and I get that, but I find these “filler” episodes (what an awful term for a show that isn’t spinning its wheels to catch up to the source material) to be like graham crackers in s’mores: even if they’re not everyone’s favorite part, the premise falls apart without them. If every single moment of Steven’s life from now on was Homeworld lore and discovering secrets, he would cease to be the link between humans and Gems and just be a Gem.
So yes, sometimes it’s important to be saving the world from the apocalypse, but sometimes it’s important to save your friend by playing baseball. Everyone deserves a break, and now that the planet is safe, Steven and the Crystal Gems are gonna make you smile. It’s time for the Summer of Steven.
If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn’t have inconsistencies
Not usually a stickler for animation errors, but, uh, where’s your ruby, Ruby?
We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!
I literally do not understand how anyone who likes Steven Universe would dislike this episode.
Top Fifteen
Steven and the Stevens
Hit the Diamond
Mirror Gem
Lion 3: Straight to Video
Alone Together
The Return
Jailbreak
The Answer
Sworn to the Sword
Rose’s Scabbard
Coach Steven
Giant Woman
Winter Forecast
When It Rains
Catch and Release
Love ‘em
Laser Light Cannon
Bubble Buddies
Tiger Millionaire
Lion 2 The Movie
Rose’s Room
An Indirect Kiss
Ocean Gem
Space Race
Garnet’s Universe
Warp Tour
The Test
Future Vision
On the Run
Maximum Capacity
Marble Madness
The Message
Political Power
Full Disclosure
Joy Ride
Keeping It Together
We Need to Talk
Chille Tid
Cry for Help
Keystone Motel
Back to the Barn
Steven’s Birthday
It Could’ve Been Great
Message Received
Log Date 7 15 2
Same Old World
Like ‘em
Gem Glow
Frybo
Arcade Mania
So Many Birthdays
Lars and the Cool Kids
Onion Trade
Steven the Sword Fighter
Beach Party
Monster Buddies
Keep Beach City Weird
Watermelon Steven
Open Book
Story for Steven
Shirt Club
Love Letters
Reformed
Rising Tides, Crashing Skies
Onion Friend
Historical Friction
Friend Ship
Nightmare Hospital
Too Far
Barn Mates
Enh
Cheeseburger Backpack
Together Breakfast
Cat Fingers
Serious Steven
Steven’s Lion
Joking Victim
Secret Team
Say Uncle
Super Watermelon Island
Gem Drill
No Thanks!
5. Horror Club 4. Fusion Cuisine 3. House Guest 2. Sadie’s Song 1. Island Adventure
Steven, Universally 